When Someone Breaks Your Trust

When someone willfully breaks or damages the trust that you once had in them,

It is hard to believe in that person again.

When their actions and words (or perhaps their inactions) are no longer reliable or acceptable,

The connection you once had with them has been damaged, and it may be gone, for good.

When someone breaks your trust, there is no person or thing: not sex, earthquakes, tornadoes, alcohol, drugs, a material thing (like a new house, car, apartment, money), or the threat of impending death that has the power to bring it back.

Yes, a temporary remedy may stop or numb the pain that you feel when what you valued, or made you feel safe, is broken, absent, or no longer there.

But trust is an abstract thing; it is something that you give to the ones you love.

It is not readily available, or growing on trees for anyone to gain at will.

Therefore, when the trust you have with someone is broken, or taken for granted, it is quite possible that you will never trust that person again. Unfortunately, sometimes people do burn their bridges.

But, if not, what will mend a broken trust?

For me, it takes many steps, and thus many thoughtful acts of penance, for a person to regain my trust.

The first is to “fess up,” to be honest, and to break through layers of shame and denial.

However, a person who has repeatedly repressed or denied the truth will probably not sustain honest behavior,

And definitely not when being dishonest has been their modus operandi.

And, if almost everyone around them is being dishonest; or, if their environment enables them – and others – to pretend that everything is “all good”,

At best, there will be many empty and broken promises.

They will often repeat the words “I’m sorry”, and more times than you probably care to remember.

Perhaps, they will also say that they intend to change, but their actions will make them contradict themselves, a lot.

Does this make the dishonest people that you love “bad” for you?

Should you write them off, throw them away, and try to forget about them?

Only you know the answer to that question.

Unfortunately, I have also learned that a dishonest person cannot be trusted until they are willing to be honest with themselves about who they are and about what they have done to discredit themselves and damage their own trustworthiness.

When someone breaks your trust, there’s really nothing you need to do until the one who has broken it is willing to admit their mistakes, and their problems. And that may never happen.

Nevertheless, that is what it takes for me to begin the trust building process, again, but, I don’t believe that many people have this kind of fortitude.

In this world, it is much too easy to hide from the truth and numb the pain we have caused with all kinds of fixes and elixirs.

So, as badly as I might want to trust again, it is not my responsibility to make anyone an honest person, and especially not when the world that we are living in rewards cowards and liars, but it punishes (and sometimes assassinates) truth-tellers.

It pains me to say (and to know) that the world is full of those who have mastered the art of lying, manipulating, and behaving badly to get the results that they want. Honest people are in the minority.

Being dishonest is a dominant way of relating to others and to the Earth; and, a good majority believes that it is acceptable and normal to act this way. Telling lies and hiding from the truth of who they are is the best that they can do; the ones who do this do not know how to be honest, loving, trustworthy people. And, as a result, they cause suffering in their own lives and those around them.

Therefore, when someone breaks your trust, and they want to get it back, perhaps then you must make a decision that will demonstrate how, or whether, you truly understand the measure of your own worth.

© 2019 annalise fonza, Ph.D.

A Cautionary Note to Self on Surviving Abuse

Careful, that you don’t become just like those who failed you with hate, anger, and abuse.

You deserve a life that is truly free from their madness and confusion.

Just getting away from them is not enough.

Letting them go and surviving the trauma is also refusing to carry your abuser’s self-destructive thoughts and ways around inside of you.

© 2018 annalise fonza, Ph.D.

You Call Me Out of My Name

You call me out of my name every time you ignore me or my calls

Every time you walk out and act as if I never even existed

Every time you accuse me of owing you for what you allegedly gave to me out of love

Every time you pretend that what you said and did were not intended to hurt

Every time you threaten to strike me with your hands or your words

Every time you dismiss me and my feelings like they mean nothing to you

Every time you refuse to acknowledge your part in destroying what we built together

Every time you put what we had in unnecessary danger or jeopardy by neglecting to take care of yourself

Every time you let your anger and self-righteousness demolish the trust we came to cherish

Every time you negate the love that some black women have given to you, including me,  because of the actions of those who did not

Every time you despise and hate me for what others did to you

Every time you blame me for your fears, shortcomings and failures

Every time you fail to understand the difference between the past and the present

Every time you assume that you know more than me or are better than me because you are male

Every time you forsake your own integrity and happiness

For a drink.

© 2017 annalise fonza, Ph.D.

Everyone Suffers When Alcoholism and Addiction are Involved

When alcohol and addiction are involved

Everyone suffers

Everyone is sad and lonely

To some extent

At some point in time

Until the desire for sobriety and honesty becomes stronger

Than it does to endure the consequences of denying the truth and numbing the pain. 

©2017 annalise fonza, Ph.D.