What Can We Learn From Coronavirus About Time?

The things or activities that are important to us are the things that we make time for in our day to day lives.

Likewise, if something or someone is important to us, we will make time for them.

Don’t sit around and wait on time to give you the opportunity to be with them.

That is not how time works.

Time is not a person. It is something that is available to us all so that we can build and rebuild the quality and character of our lives.

Therefore, we must use our time very wisely, because it will not always be there exactly when and how we want it.

And, of course, whether it is a virus or anything else, there will come a time when we will be out of time to do the things that we love, and to be with the people that we love.

So, in light of the Coronavirus, we learn again that we must use the time that we have today to do what we want to do, and to be with the ones that we love.

Today, you can put time on your side. And, believe it or not, this is something that is up to you.

You do not have to become a victim of time.

© 2020 annalise fonza, Ph.D.

Red Flag

If a man intentionally harms a woman that he has claimed to love for no other reason than to punish her, hurt her, or make her suffer for something that he did to compromise their relationship or being together, and he is a father, and he has granddaughters and grandsons, then you must know that something has probably gone horribly wrong in his life.

© 2020 annalise fonza, Ph.D.

Emotional Abuse: Some Characteristics

What is emotional abuse? Over the years, I have witnessed abuse first-hand, and I have listened carefully to the accounts of others who have been victimized by abusive partners or family members. Here is a working list of some the characteristics that I have experienced or heard about in conversation:

Is emotionally withdrawn, as in makes the frequent use of “the silent treatment” to willfully negate and hurt your feelings; does not ask about your day or your thoughts at all; uses unnecessary scowling and pouting to scare or shame you; displays grandiose or exaggerated anger over minor subjects, conversations, or disagreements; blows things constantly out of proportion; intentionally fails to be present when help or concern is needed; questions your every move, but freaks out if you question them about dang near anything; has an unreasonable and perhaps hateful disposition towards your feelings or thoughts; distorts or negates reality; falsely blames you for the awful things they do to you; consistently hides behind material possessions and uses those things to give them a sense of self-worth; uses material possessions to gain attention, praise, or companionship; intentionally ignores your calls to the extent that it produces anxiety and worry (they use the phone as a weapon); gloats easily; is overly selfish, narcissistic, or has to always be right or the center of attention; dominates conversations (especially with uninformed opinions or facts); shows excessive criticism or rages when you’ve made a genuine, unintentional mistake; refuses to grow up emotionally; expects life to be mostly fun and games, e.g., does not handle normal stress or life’s challenges very well; maintains rigid allegiance to social norms or personal beliefs that reinforce inequality or power imbalances; demands unrealistic expectations of you or your role without previous agreement or arrangement (maybe “in return” for something that they allegedly “gave” you without requesting repayment); has the expectation that you will do for them what they could or should be able to do for themselves; refuses to forgive you when they expect forgiveness or understanding from you always; contacts you by text when they know they have done something to hurt you, but primarily to see if they still have access to you; creates an environment for physical or sexual encounters, but rarely makes the time or space for the development of emotional intelligence or intimacy; dismisses or discourages your innermost thoughts and feelings (and they may actually mock the way you feel); habitually and blatantly denies reality; maliciously or intentionally refuses to be there for you when you are genuinely in need (not just when it is convenient); hurls hateful and hurtful putdowns on you for no apparent reason; bashes your hopes and dreams; accuses you of doing the abusive and awful things that they do; breaks promises and expectations regularly, and as a means to control or punish you; tells many and unnecessary lies; throws temper tantrums when things don’t go their way (i.e., walking out on you or literally throwing you out); makes it seem like you are not worthy of their love, when really it is the other way around; they yell, a lot; they often wake up or come home from work noticeably pissed off making you feel as if whatever is wrong is your fault; blames you for everything that is going wrong; repeatedly makes you fearful or walk on eggshells just to be around them. In conclusion, people who are emotionally abusive can be very terrifying, and they lack the ability to attract and maintain good, healthy relationships.

Basically, if someone “ghosts” you or shows you that they don’t value you or want you in their life, GET OUT! LEAVE! Distance yourself from them NOW!

They have done you a solid (as in a favor), and you are not obligated to love them any longer or say goodbye.

Begin to realize that they have already walked out on you, and they did not attempt to say goodbye or even worry about how abandoning you would make you feel. They failed to be there for you! They intentionally endeavored to hurt you.

Consequently, it is not wrong or unjustified to get away from them when they have done their darndest to:

Use you;

Deceive you;

Steal from you;

Scare you;

Embarrass you;

Discard you;

Belittle you;

Terrify you;

Disrespect you; or

HURT YOU IN ANY WAY.

These people are NOT your friends. They DO NOT LOVE YOU, or perhaps they do not love themselves.

Unfortunately, the one you love is probably full of hate and rage that have nothing to do with you.

And, it is NOT YOUR FAULT that they are this abusive, destructive, and so apparently broken; thus, “fixing them” or “saving them” is not your responsibility. It is not your job to put them back together. This, they must do for themselves!

Abuse of any kind is totally unacceptable.

So, step back, draw your line in the sand. Do not be afraid to say no and set your boundaries. Or, step completely away if you must.

Finally, learn from the experience, and get on with your marvelous, beautiful life!

© 2020 annalise fonza, Ph.D.

What Do You Believe?

What you believe about yourself and others will show up in your actions, not in your speech.

If you believe you are worthy, you will act like it and you will make the best choices that you can to experience the best that life has to offer.

If you believe that the lives of others are precious and free, you will treat them with kindness and respect.

If you believe that life is worth the living, you will live it to the best of your ability.

If you respect the people in your life, you will show them that you care about their lives and their feelings.

If you are a good person, you will say and do good things, and you will probably be a giver.

On the other hand, if you believe that you are not a good person, it will be articulated in your actions.

Perhaps you will sabotage just about every good thing that comes into your life, and then fail to take responsibility for the damage that you cause.

The malevolence of your beliefs about yourself will show up in your day-to-day living, and you will probably be a taker.

If you are selfish, you will not care about how your actions affect others (and being selfish is not a sign that you love yourself, rather it is a type of greed or hedonism).

If you are manipulative, you will lie and deceive others to get what you want, and even when what you want could be freely obtained or given.

If you are hateful, you will belittle and spew hate on to others, including those you do not even know.

If you are not trustworthy, you will not trust others.

If deep down you believe that you are not worthy of good things and good people, then you may choose things and people who are not good for you.

Oh yes, I have learned to pay attention to the core beliefs of others (and to my own) by observing their actions, not their speech.

And doing this has enabled me to save my own life.

©2020 annalise fonza, Ph.D.

When You Are Loved

You will know when someone loves you and wants you in their life

When they make themselves present and available to you,

When they tell you about their day and how it went, but they also want to hear about you and your feelings;

They will want to be there for you, emotionally

Because the power of love makes room for reciprocity.

Most of all, when you are loved, they will show you that they care about you in word and in deed.

When you are loved, you will be a priority:

The first thing in the morning, and the last on their mind at night.

You will be to them like a light at the end of a dark tunnel,

Like an oasis in the middle of the desert or a dry place.

And, when you are loved, it will be hard to go for a day without you.

© 2019 annalise fonza, Ph.D.

Please Don’t Tell Me You Love Me

Please don’t tell me you love me when you could care less about my feelings, my work, my life, my day, and my accomplishments,

Please don’t tell me you love me and you want to be with me, but you really don’t. That’s just what you say because you think I want to hear it,

Please don’t tell me you love me when you always run and hide behind your phone and all your other material possessions, especially when you know you have disappointed or hurt me,

Please don’t tell me you love me when you have rejected and scared away dang near every well-intentioned woman who has come into your life with deception and abuse,

Please don’t tell me you love me when you are more than willing to lie to get what you want or need (even when you don’t have to), and even if you know your lies will hurt others,

Please don’t tell me you love me when you prostitute yourself daily with people that you say do not care about you, yet they are the ones you run to for attention and affection,

Please don’t tell me you love me when you constantly abandon yourself and the ones you claim to love (yet you cling to the ones, and the habits, you despise),

Please don’t tell me you love me when you destroy the love that we have made with out-of-control drinking and anger that belong to a past that continues to define and control you,

Please don’t tell me that you love me when the only things that matter to you are your feelings, your work, your life, your day and your accomplishments,

Please don’t tell me you love me when you know that you are not the person that you say you are,

Please don’t tell me you love me when you are not willing to be honest and ask for the help that you know you desperately need, and for the help that will potentially bring you to what you need and want,

Please don’t tell me you love me until you can muster the strength and the courage to forgive and ultimately love yourself,

And please don’t tell me you love me until you know, for yourself, what love really is.

©2019 annalise fonza, Ph.D.

My First (Self-Published) Book is Now Available!

Thank you for taking the time to read my blog. Writing has become a central part of who I am and recently I published my first book! You may find it by clicking on this link.

This brief book, which is published in digital format, will soon be available to library patrons as well. It is a womanist planning proposal, and it summarizes what I have learned (over the last twenty years) about the rebuilding of former black ghettos and predominantly black neighborhoods and communities in urban cities. It is both, a proposal and a love letter, as I reflect on the motivations and business legacy of Ollie Gates in Kansas City, Missouri.

It is also a book that I have dedicated to the memory of John Lee Johnson, who was a major catalytic force in redeveloping the North End of Champaign-Urbana, or an area where black residents of Champaign-Urbana were “allowed” to live. The North End is/was also spatially situated right across the street from the University of Illinois at Urbana-Champaign (UIUC). I had the privilege of following Mr. Johnson for about two years, when I was working on my master’s degree in urban and regional planning at UIUC. I learned so much from him, first-hand, about community and economic development.

If the development of former black ghettos, or predominantly black communities and neighborhoods is something that interests you, then this is definitely worth the read. And, it should not take you more than an hour to read it!

In addition, if you are someone who has supported my writing over the years, thank you, once again, for taking an interest in what I have to say. If you are new to this blog, then welcome to my world!

I look forward to publishing more in the future!

©2019 annalise fonza, Ph.D.