The Pain of the Past

If you let the pain of your past define and control your present, it will affect the breadth and depth of your future.

Failure to address (and thus respect) any prolonged pain – bodily or emotional – can have devastating consequences. Eventually, if you do not acknowledge and/or release your pain, it can make you sick, angry, abusive, or cause you to isolate and numb yourself to the point that you might lose everything and everyone that is important to you.

Worst of all, holding on to an emotionally painful past can make you lose sight of who you are. It can make you believe that you are something or someone that you are not.

You have the power to let go of the pain from your past. Use it to name it, feel it, release it, and watch the pain of the past slowly but surely fade away.

© 2020 annalise fonza, Ph.D.

Post updated 10/4/2020

Be Who You Are, Not What You Do

The things that I do for a living do not make me who I am. I work, primarily, so that I have money to pay my bills. On the one hand, my work is – to some degree – a reflection of who I am and what I value in life. On the other hand, and this is something that I believe we have all learned during the Coronavirus pandemic, is that work (as in a job) is temporal. It is time- sensitive and often limited by the environment in which we live, whether we understand that or not.

I know people who define themselves by the work that they do (or for more superficial reasons such as the benefits of work, i.e., money, prestige, power, material possessions). But what happens when that work dries up or goes away? Who would they be if their day-to-day work duties came to an end through no fault of their own, or through some fault of their own? It is good to take pride in our work, but it is even more important that we learn to define and express ourselves by what is within us, as opposed to what is outside or around us. And, we must know that who we are is not contingent upon what we do for a living, rather who we are is contingent on the beings that we are deep down inside.

There are people who I know in life who define themselves by the work that they do day-to-day on “the job.” Often, those very same people are workaholics, which is, as I have been told, one of the most acceptable yet destructive addictions that a person can have. Because, without that work, they feel meaningless, worthless, and very lost (in a world of so many possibilities). These very same people, who display so much pride and ego about their jobs may easily feel like nothing if and when their jobs come to a complete halt (and so do the things that that work provided). And, this should tell us something about their character, huh? Perhaps they lack the ability (or the courage) to reinvent themselves when life calls on them to create new ways of being and doing; and, unfortunately, that work and those things are what they use to define themselves. It does not have to be that way. 

In summary, who we are is connected to our character, which is an intangible thing and something that we develop over time, ever since the day that we came into this world. Are you a lover of trees or nature; are you a friend to the broken-hearted or the homeless; are you a fighter for peace and justice, or a natural-born leader? Are you a person who genuinely wants the good or advancement of others? Or, are you only concerned about yourself and your earthly possessions? Do you misuse and abuse others? Is it easier for you to hate than to love? Of course, I know people who do not know who they are; or, they pretend that they are someone who they are not, usually to (cowardly) get what they want. These people do a lot of damage to themselves and to others. Nevertheless, our character will always tell us (and others) who we are: good, bad, or in-between. And, I do know some people who genuinely know who they are. They are in touch with their own sense of self, which can exist on its own, apart from work, others, and the environments in which we live. Our character comes out in word, and most of all, in deed. Yes, the work that we do on a day-to-day basis may be a reflection of our character, or maybe it is not. It all depends on how and why that work is needed. Perhaps the work that we do today for ourselves simply sets the stage for what is to come later, or maybe the work we do today will last for a lifetime. Only you can be the judge and the jury for the place or value that work will take in your life. But, in times of uncertainty, it is always important to remember to be who you are, not what you do.

©2020 annalise fonza, Ph.D.

Red Flag

If a man intentionally harms a woman that he has claimed to love for no other reason than to punish her, hurt her, or make her suffer for something that he did to compromise their relationship or being together, and he is a father, and he has granddaughters and grandsons, then you must know that something has probably gone horribly wrong in his life.

© 2020 annalise fonza, Ph.D.

Emotional Abuse: Some Characteristics

What is emotional abuse? Over the years, I have witnessed abuse first-hand, and I have listened carefully to the accounts of others who have been victimized by abusive partners or family members. Here is a working list of some the characteristics that I have experienced or heard about in conversation:

Is emotionally withdrawn, as in makes the frequent use of “the silent treatment” to willfully negate and hurt your feelings; does not ask about your day or your thoughts at all; uses unnecessary scowling and pouting to scare or shame you; displays grandiose or exaggerated anger over minor subjects, conversations, or disagreements; blows things constantly out of proportion; intentionally fails to be present when help or concern is needed; questions your every move, but freaks out if you question them about dang near anything; has an unreasonable and perhaps hateful disposition towards your feelings or thoughts; distorts or negates reality; falsely blames you for the awful things they do to you; consistently hides behind material possessions and uses those things to give themselves a sense of self-worth; uses material possessions to gain attention, praise, or companionship; intentionally ignores your calls to the extent that it produces anxiety and worry (uses the phone as a weapon); gloats easily; is overly selfish, narcissistic, or has to always be right or the center of attention; dominates conversations (especially with uninformed opinions or facts); shows excessive criticism or rages when you’ve made a genuine, unintentional mistake; refuses to grow up emotionally; expects life to be mostly fun and games, e.g., does not handle normal stress or life’s challenges very well; maintains rigid allegiance to social norms or personal beliefs that reinforce inequality or power imbalances; demands unrealistic expectations of you or your role without previous agreement or arrangement (maybe “in return” for something that they allegedly “gave” you without requesting repayment); has the expectation that you will do for them what they could or should be able to do for themselves; refuses to forgive you when they expect forgiveness or understanding from you always; contacts you by text when they know they have done something to hurt you, but primarily to see if they still have access to you; creates an environment for physical or sexual encounters, but rarely makes the time or space for the development of emotional intelligence or intimacy; dismisses or discourages your innermost thoughts and feelings (and they may actually mock the way you feel); habitually and blatantly denies reality; maliciously or intentionally refuses to be there for you when you are genuinely in need (not just when it is convenient); hurls hateful and hurtful putdowns on you for no apparent reason; bashes your hopes and dreams; accuses you of doing the abusive and awful things that they do; breaks promises and expectations regularly, and as a means to control or punish you; tells many and unnecessary lies; throws temper tantrums when things don’t go their way (i.e., walking out on you or literally throwing you out); makes it seem like you are not worthy of their love, when really it is the other way around; they yell, a lot; they often wake up or come home from work noticeably pissed off making you feel as if whatever is wrong is your fault; blames you for everything that is going wrong; repeatedly makes you fearful or walk on eggshells just to be around them.

In summary, people who are emotionally abusive can be very terrifying, and they lack the ability to attract and maintain good, healthy relationships.

Basically, if someone “ghosts” you or shows you that they don’t value you or want you in their life, GET OUT! LEAVE! Distance yourself from them NOW!

They have done you a solid (as in a favor), and you are not obligated to love them any longer or say goodbye.

Begin to realize that they have already walked out on you, and they did not attempt to say goodbye or even worry about how abandoning you would make you feel. They failed to be there for you! They intentionally endeavored to hurt you.

Consequently, it is not wrong or unjustified to get away from them when they have done their darndest to:

Use you;

Deceive you;

Steal from you;

Scare you;

Embarrass you;

Discard you;

Belittle you;

Terrify you;

Disrespect you; or

HURT YOU IN ANY WAY.

These people are NOT your friends. They DO NOT LOVE YOU, and perhaps they do not truly love themselves.

Unfortunately, the one you love is probably full of hate and rage that have nothing to do with you.

It is NOT YOUR FAULT that they are this abusive, destructive, and so apparently broken; thus, “fixing them” or “saving them” is not your responsibility. It is not your job to put them back together. This, they must do for themselves!

Abuse of any kind is totally unacceptable.

So, step back, draw your line in the sand. Do not be afraid to say capital N-O, and set your boundaries. Or, step completely away if you must.

Finally, learn from the experience, and get on with your marvelous, beautiful life!

© 2020 annalise fonza, Ph.D.