Tag Archives: addiction

“Who Do You Think You Are?” Look at Where You Come From

Hands down, one of the worst episodes that I experienced with a rageaholic happened on the telephone. One night, about 9:00pm, I received a call from a man that I loved and who claimed to love me. He asked me about my day.  As I began to share the events of my day, and expressed my disappointment about the delivery of an item that I had purchased online, he went into a rage. From out of nowhere he was yelling at me, repeating the words: WHO DO YOU THINK YOU ARE, WHO DO YOU THINK YOU ARE???

As he raised his voice, assaulting me with his words, I stopped talking in mid-sentence. I was totally stunned and mentally searching for a way to understand what in the world was going on. It was an episode that was terribly unexpected, uncalled for, exhausting, and traumatizing. His outburst was the last thing that I expected in that moment as he was clearly out-of-control and using his words and his “smartphone” to go off on me about an experience that had nothing to do with him. I was just sharing information, as requested, about my day.

The next morning he texted me to apologize, but the kicker was that he justified his yelling blaming it on “our lack of chemistry.” Not one word about a totally ambushing me emotionally with outrageous and unacceptable behavior caused by who knows what and by some very hostile, even hateful words aimed at me. Just days before, he told me how much he loved me, but yelling “WHO DO YOU THINK YOU ARE” for no reason at all is not how you show someone that you love them. Frankly, that tends to disqualify any claim of love, for me.

Indeed, I could not let him get away with acting like nothing obscene happened the night before. In response to his so-called apology, I simply texted back and rejected any claim that the incident had anything to do with me or with anything that I had done. In fact, the words that I used were: that was all you. As expected, there was no response, except for complete silence. He took absolutely no responsibility for his words and actions the previous night.

Nevertheless, I knew that I was not to blame for his unacceptable behavior. I was a victim of his words and actions, but I did not need to become victimized by his silence. What he was doing to me was totally incredible, but, sadly, it was a reflection of the hateful perceptions that he carried within himself about the person that he had become in response to the events of his life and as a result of his poor choices.

In the past several years, I have learned enough about addiction and alcoholism not to let a person who is struggling with his own identity or sense of self accuse me of not knowing mine. Under no circumstances would I or should I take responsibility for another person’s outrageous behavior, nor would I be an emotional punching bag for someone who was controlled by their fears and addictions.

Thankfully, I have learned how to give myself what I need when others break my heart or show me that they cannot or will not be kind to me or be there for me, emotionally or otherwise. It was a very troubling encounter, yet one that I will not allow myself to forget. Several years before the phone encounter, my friend admitted to me that he was a wounded man because of his experience with childhood trauma; in fact, the word he used to describe himself was “broken.” When I first heard him say this about himself, I did not want to believe him, but the more that I experienced him, the more I could understand how a person’s brokenness can cause problems for everyone with whom they come into contact. This is why it is important for those suffering from the memory of childhood trauma seek help in adulthood as they become able.

As I sought the help that I needed, I learned many valuable strategies and lessons that empowered me to respond, or not, to the toxicity of an emotionally abusive partner or entity. For instance, following the call, I allowed myself to acknowledge and feel the pain that he caused. I took the time to feel the trauma of his words move through my body; I did some stretches on my exercise mat; and then I made myself a cup of hot tea. As I sat down in silence, I took at least three long, deep breaths. In that moment, I grieved, and I was kind and loving to myself.

In that moment, I gave myself the compassion and permission to be deeply present to myself. This quiet, solitary exercise empowered me to embrace my feelings and own my feelings and thus my power in the moment, even as my assailant was no where to be found, nor did he seem to care. But I knew better than that: I knew that his silence was filled with his shame. Today, when I remember that incident, it still stings; still hurts, but I know what to do with the hurt when it comes to my awareness: I feel it, acknowledge it, and I send it back to where it came from. 

WHO DO YOU THINK YOU ARE?

I share this memory for two reasons: 1) because telling my story enables me to heal; and 2) as we head into a new year, I want to say that the words who do you think you are are significant for all of us.

When COVID-19 first made its onset, I remember saying to another friend, “Is the whole world going to shut down?” A few weeks later, it definitely seemed to me that the whole world was shutting down. Everything was changing, and super fast! As time went by, like everybody else I knew, I had to think long and hard about the shifts that were happening in plain sight. The world was changing, and sooner or later, we all had new and renewed ways of working, loving, and being.

As an urban planning academician, I teach courses about ethnic identity and the relationship it has to the history of place, as well as to the practice of urban planning. This year, I found myself emphasizing the intersectionality of identity, place and urban planning more than ever before. Currently, most of my students are non-white: they are predominantly Mexican-American or Asian-American, and I have structured the course to explore how specific narratives about cultural identity of black, brown, red, and yellow people, as it pertains to place, have emerged as a central aspect of placemaking in the U.S. Each of us has a cultural identity or heritage, which has everything to do with the expression of who we are, individually and collectively.

When I introduce my students to a concept that I and urban planning scholars call “emancipatory urban planning,” I reference the work of Dr. Gabor Maté. His recent best-selling book, The Myth of Normal: Trauma, Illness and Healing in a Toxic Culture is already a best-seller, and I am savoring every word. Yet, one of Dr. Maté’s best presentations with Diederik Wolsak and Sat Dharam Kaur ND, where they explore the importance of self-identity and self-awareness – is one of his best conversations online, as far as I am concerned. My takeaway is that if as individuals we think that we are worthy and valuable of love, then we will act that way: we will treat ourselves and others with compassion, love, and respect. On the other hand, if, deep down, we believe that we are not worthy of compassion, love, and respect, then we might mistreat ourselves and others, or we might rage and scream and point the finger at everyone else and make up all kinds of twisted and justifications for  out-of-control behaviors, just as described above.

I teach my students that before they go out into the world to work with communities as urban or regional planners, they must first know how to love, respect, and value themselves. In other words, before those of us who are in the business of sustaining communities and thus empowering others to be co-creators in making and remaking communities, we must know who we are and from whence we have come. We have to know and acknowledge our histories and cultural heritages, which are as different as we are. We are all human beings, but culturally, we are quite diverse. Becoming aware of our cultural heritages, and how they enable us to survive and even thrive in the world is essential for professional urban and regional planners. 

Over the years, I have endured terribly abusive verbal attacks by those who express hate or rejection of who I am (or how I self-identify) in various forms, including passive ones. In previous blog posts, I have written about the insults and verbal attacks that I have experienced by others because I identify as an atheist and as a womanist. Because our world is dominated by patriarchal and theistic thinking, many women, believe it or not, perpetuate patriarchal, theistic beliefs, consciously and subconsciously. Being on the receiving end of a woman who articulates toxic patriarchal ideas and norms is just as difficult as it is for me to be confronted by a black man who has internalized self-hate due to racist or white supremacist thinking and takes it out on me. Indeed, I have learned to anticipate hateful responses to my being an atheist and a womanist, yet because I anticipate them does not mean that I am comfortable with it when it happens.

At times, I must consider whether to take action against those who express hate or exclusion of me when they learn that I am an atheist. Sadly, there are times when I must take formal action to protect myself when people threaten to do harm to my person because I am a woman or for any other reason. There are some forms of disrespect and disregard that I simply do not tolerate. However, when my person or my mental health are not in danger or under threat, I have overcome abusive and hateful encounters by focusing on my breathing and on what I am feeling. Aside from the use of external assistance for protection from an abuser, like a restraining order, breathing has empowered me to keep my mental health in tact.

I am also usually willing to listen to others even with they have false or wrong perceptions, such as the false belief that an atheist does not have morals or has an alleged allegiance to an alleged being that is called “the devil”. For the record, I do not believe in any gods or supernatural beings, including the one that is called “the devil.” As long as it is clear to me that a person is not acting willfully to disrespect, devalue, or harm me, I am willing to entertain a conversation about what it means to be an atheist for the sake of definition. But, these interactions usually do not go much further than that.

I am very thankful for what I have learned about the power of mindful breathing from the teachings of Thich Nhat Hahn. A few years ago, I became intrigued by the Buddhist notion of the “bodhisattva.” A bodhisattva is more than an enlightened person. In the words of Thich Nhat Hahn, a bodhisattva is someone who “will allow another person to empty their heart,” even when that person has wrong perceptions or hurtful things to say. A couple of years ago, I began to incorporate the way of the bodhisattva in to my day-to-day interactions. When presented with the opportunity to listen, I allow the people that I love who intentionally make wrong or false things to empty their hearts, to an extent.

Everyone is not willing to aspire to be like a bodhisattva. Some could care less about listening to the pain and anger of their loved ones, but the more that I listened to Thich Nhat Hahn, the more I wanted to embrace bodhisattva practices. I wanted to listen to people that I cared about, even if what they said lacked validity or even truth, so that I could understand them. It was difficult at first, but learning to listening to others who express wrong or even angry perceptions – for the purpose of gaining an understanding – without trying to correct them nor taking responsibility for their thoughts – is an exercise in the power of love, which is the subject of my 2019 e-publication Rebuilding Black Communities, With Love.

As I continue to experience hate and rejection, I would rather be like the bodhisattva than anyone else. To some degree, I am even willing to listen to the pain of my loved ones, although they may refuse to listen to me, because sometimes it is just about being present, not about creating a teachable moment. Although I am an educator at heart, it is not always about education or agreement, rather there are times when assuring others that they have been heard is all that matters.

Perhaps, as Dr. Cornel West would say, I want to be like a “wounded healer, not like a wounded hurter,” because although repeatedly wounded or hurt or abandoned by many worldwide, black and brown people have taught the world how to heal, and we have done it through the unapologetic and authentic embrace of our heritage or cultural identity; through the creation of the literary and musical art forms such as the blues, jazz, and gospel music, for instance. Indeed, I have come from a people that have survived unthinkable hate and rejection simply because of the color of their skin, and yet have nonetheless created all kinds of beauty in the world.

There are many aspects of my cultural heritage that have enabled me to understand myself, even in the face of abuse or hate. In 2012, I published an essay in a peer-reviewed journal about the dialectical relationship between womanism and feminism in the planning profession, as I see it. In that article, I reference Alice Walker who asserted with her 2001 book, The Way Forward is with a Broken-Heart. As a woman who proudly identifies as black, I know first-hand how black people have experienced personal, social, and spatial heartache in a world that does not respect or value us. For instance, there are numerous black women writers and artists, such as Bernice Johnson Reagon and Toni Morrison, who lived with the pain of alienation caused by wrong perceptions of who they were and what they stood for. Yet, they moved through the heartache with mindful breathing and living, and sometimes without saying a mumbling word.

When I was in elementary school, I observed the elders in my life live mindfully and in silence. For a short while, one of my siblings and I walked a short distance (less than a mile) to the babysitter’s house everyday when school let out until our mother could come to pick us up when she got off work. My babysitter went by the name of Bachi (I have no idea how to spell it) and we called her husband, Granddad. Granddad was a chauffer for a living and they lived a quiet, simple life taking care of their children, grandchildren and other peoples’ children, like my siblings and me.

Bachi was very sweet to us; she always provided us with something good to eat (a habit that I tend to do whenever I have visitors). Granddad did not say very much; most of the time he moved without uttering one word, but he almost always managed to smile at us. When he arrived home daily, he sat in his chair amongst us (there was only one living room); and usually he fell asleep while we all sat and watched television. The memory of Bachi and Granddad is quite memorable to me because they taught me the importance of quiet dignity and the significance of living simply and with a sense of purpose. Their house was full of children and love.

When it is appropriate, and when my person is not in danger, I endeavor to employ the power of this type of self-lovingkindness. Breathing deeply and focusing on my inner peace or serenity is one way of tapping into the power of who I am. It is certainly what I do when I go for a daily two-mile walk or bike ride, which brings me back to the truth of who I am; these quiet moments do not make me think of a god or a higher power; they are acts that situate me at the center of my being, and they cause me to get in touch with all that has made me who I am.

Surely, there are times when I speak up and stand up for myself or others, but sometimes, I remind myself, that it is best to be like Bachi and Granddad and move in simplicity and silence using only my breath to remind myself of who I am. It may look like I am not doing much by breathing, but it is a powerful act of self-love if I am able to be wholly in the moment and totally aware of what is happening within – in the present moment. This gives me strength. Of course, there are times that my choice to breathe instead of responding with words may also be my way of letting others know that I have had enough. Choosing to act in this way – with mindful breathing and self-care – is one of the powerful ways that I have seen responsible adults and elders in my life manage painful moments and realities; breathing deeply is a practice that is inextricably tied my cultural heritage, or growing up as a black girl in what seemed like white America. Thankfully, I do not believe that this land belongs to any one group of any one group of people. In the words of Dr. Paul Ortiz, “the United States is a nation of ethnicities.”

If you have not done so already, I hope that you use this new year to come to a better understanding of who you are and where you came from. You can do this by looking at the way you value yourself and by the way that you treat others, everyday. If you were taught by the people who raised you to truly value and respect yourself and others, that will help you to answer the question who do you think you are? On the other hand, if you were taught to devalue yourself and others, that is probably who you will be, everyday, unless you do something – yourself – to change that, because who you think you are has an awful lot to do with where you come from, how you grew up, and of all the people and places that made you who you are today.

© 2023 annalise fonza, Ph.D., MURP, M.Div, MPA

Updated 09/18/2024

Selfishness is Not the Same as Self-Love

Unfortunately, there are people in this world who do not show genuine or heartfelt concern for anybody else but themselves. In addition, with the increasing popularity of devices and products that promote narcissistic behaviors, selfishness is on the rise. It is pretty sad, but true: human beings are becoming more and more insular and selfish, and selfish people live their lives as if no one else matters but them, as if they and their issues are the only ones that have any importance. I have learned, first-hand, that selfish people do not know how to be empathetic; they act as if their needs and wants are the only ones with any real value. So often, they want what they are not able or willing to give, and, therefore, they come across as “takers” not givers.

Perhaps it is possible that they simply do not know how to be present for others, but on their own, selfish people rarely take the time to learn how to do for others, although sometimes they pretend that they are interested in other peoples’ problems. By and large, they do not even try to become better, more giving people, and the bad part about it is that their behavior is so widespread and prevalent that selfish, narcissistic people are overwhelmingly tolerated, and sometimes they are even revered or rewarded by society in general (in recent years, I can think of one such person, for example, who actually occupied one of the highest positions in American government, and maybe even the world). On the other hand, that they are tolerated, or even revered, does not make it right. There are a lot of very unfortunate and regrettable things (and people) that are tolerated by our American, Western society, which only goes to show us that we humans do not always get it right. In fact, there are times when we get it terribly wrong.

Not surprisingly, most of what a selfish person says and does for others is self-serving and done for some ultimate personal, social or financial benefit; like children they have a me-me-me approach to life in general (e.g., arrested development). Sadly, a lot of the negative things that have happened to selfish people are of their own doing; they often bring more than their share of pain and suffering in life upon themselves – and others – because they exhibit awfully narcissistic behaviors, and narcissists are not good people to be around because they intentionally manipulate and hurt people.

Some of the selfish people that I have known personally have tried to claim, absurdly, that their behavior is synonymous with self-love. For instance, one selfish person that I know would frequently claim -about themselves- “I love me some me.” But, in other moments, this same person would make self-deprecating comments about what they deserved, or not. Their concept of what they expected to get from others and out of life was embedded in punishment and guilt, which they believed was deserved. On more than one occasion, for example, the same person said to me -about themselves- that “I am not s***.” Of course, this statement told me everything that I needed to know about this person, although at the time they spoke it I did not want to believe it. I did not want to fathom that a person that I cared about could feel this poorly about themselves: deep-down, they believed that did not deserve good things and good people in their life and this saddened me, and I could see that the deep-seated and self-loathing thoughts that they expressed about themselves informed their choices.

It is our actions, not words, that articulate what we truly believe about ourselves and the world around us. Personally, I once knew another selfish person who claimed to love themselves, but they frequently made very dangerous, unhealthy choices, and they spent lots of money and time acquiring material things and “trophy-like people” to gain external validation and attention. They sabotaged many of the good and important opportunities (and good people) that came their way – such as not going on to further their education because, in their own words, they spent all their time “in the trap house.” On the one hand, this person secured a good full-time job with great job security, but hanging out in the streets or being seen as “street credible” by those who lived and died by the streets was central to their identity. As you know, the streets can be very cruel. As a result, their overall outlook upon life and life’s challenges was quite dark and cruel. It was very sad to me when I had to come to this hard reality about my so-called friend.

In addition, they would often put their own body in harm’s way just to be seen, heard, and touched. They did this, for example, by engaging in very risky sexual encounters and ignoring the threat of their own physical or medical needs brought on by the excessive use of addictive substances and behaviors. For a long time I tried to go along with their “I love me some me” storyline, but eventually, I could not deny what I was seeing: they did not love themselves. On the contrary, they harmed themselves in darn near every way imaginable. No one who loves themselves knowingly and repeatedly puts their own bodily and mental health in reckless peril.

Another thing selfish people do is twist reality. For example, I observed a selfish person isolate themselves emotionally in busy social settings on a daily basis and then claim to be an introvert. I thought, either they did not know the meaning of the word “introvert,” they were up to no good, or maybe they wanted people to feel sorry for them. Most adults know that introverts tend to run towards quiet and solitude. Extraverts are the ones who surround themselves with crowds and people; an introvert would rather be alone. True introverts do not seek out crowds (or people) and then claim to be introverted. The more that I heard this person claim to be an introvert, the more I wondered what they were up to because there is absolutely no way that an introvert would seek to be in a social setting every day. That is what an extrovert would do.

My encounters with selfish (and destructive) people have taught me that anyone who has to repeatedly claim that they love themselves with the phrase “I love me some me” is a walking, breathing red flag. It took me a minute to realize, but thankfully the blinders fell off, that such over-the-top claims to “love me some me” were simply not true. Perhaps (at best) they were unconscious cries for help because as the old adage says, actions speak louder than words. No matter what someone says, their actions will always show you who they are.

Whenever a person avoids taking good care of themselves – to the point that they will knowingly put themselves in harm’s way – it is not even close to self-love or loving self: it is self-abuse. Furthermore, avoiding or ignoring others does not necessarily have anything to do with loving one’s self either, it just makes that person a terribly self-centered person who does not care about others’ feelings and a person who specializes in ruining their own future chances at being valued and loved by others, unless they need someone or something like money, food, sex, or a place to stay. At that point, a selfish person will wear the mask and lie to get what they want, but the facade typically does not last for very long. The mask always comes off, and the lie of that mask will expose them. Just wait.

Finally, here is the thing: when a person is generally good at loving themselves they will be genuinely good at loving others, because loving ourselves is inextricably bound up with learning how to love, trust, and respect others. What I am saying is that the ability to love others comes naturally when we are able to do it first – and best – for ourselves. On the flipside, if a person fails to love themselves or to show up for themselves, no matter how much they claim to love themselves and for whatever the reason, it is absolutely impossible for them to genuinely love or be there for anybody else. Before we humans can genuinely love others, the love of self must always come first. Therefore, if we do not love ourselves, we cannot genuinely love anybody else.

© 2023 annalise fonza, Ph.D.

Updated 02/24/2024

What’s Your Life’s Legacy?

Recovery from addiction has been a subject of my blogging for many years. My adult dating experiences have brought me into direct contact with men who have been gripped by addiction, which means that I too have been affected by addiction, notwithstanding my own shortcomings and addictions (informed by the groundbreaking work of Dr. Gabor Mate, I believe we all have addictions whether we acknowledge them or not).

Recently, I asked a dear friend who stopped drinking primarily for health reasons late in his sixties: “Besides health, what is the number one thing or idea that caused you to stop drinking?” His response was that he did not want his addiction to alcohol to be his legacy.

His answer truly resonated with me.

On the other hand, I still have other friends and loved ones who are deeply controlled and duped by addiction (and the consequences thereof). Everyone around them knows that they are in trouble, but often even they remain silent for fear of being hurt or hurting the feelings of the addict. Personally, however, the person who is struggling with addiction is oblivious to their addictive patterns, although it is obvious to others that they suffer from super destructive patterns and behaviors, which can include excessive working, exercising, smoking, gambling, eating, attention-getting behaviors (via social media and devices), shopping, and sexual activities (including masturbation and pornography) that cannot be managed or controlled, not by their own volition, by Jesus, nor by their “higher power” who is sometimes called “The Most High.”

I have spent more than two decades as a “recovering person” and have learned that it is one thing to have addictions – we all do; it is another to be controlled by them – and not all of us are controlled by our addictions. Those who are controlled by their addictions suffer devastating and embarrassing consequences, and they inevitably hurt, and sometimes destroy the people around them. The damage that addicts cause can be felt on many levels: physical, emotional, financial, sexual, social, etc., and everyone with whom they come into contact will be potentially affected.

The dictionary (Merriam-Webster) defines oblivion as “the state of being forgotten or a state of forgetting.” That is a good word for what happens to the addict: they use substances, people, and behaviors to forget whatever it is that causes them pain and to numb themselves; they do not want to think about or feel their pain. The oblivion of the addict coupled with the denial of their own suffering subsequently causes them to harm themselves and others, yet they usually do not seem to comprehend this either. Instead, their goal seems to be to cast themselves into the “sea of forgetfulness” with substances and behaviors that enable them to get stuck in oblivion. They do not want to feel.

Recently, I learned about the death of a man that I used to date – nearly two decades ago – who was formerly addicted to narcotics and alcohol. About a year ago, he experienced a death-blowing health event when he was just sixty years old and he did not recover. When we first started dating, he shared painful and troubling details of his childhood and how he used drugs to help him cope during his early and mid adulthood. He said that he tried Alcoholics Anonymous and Narcotics Anonymous, but he approached his recovery like an option versus a necessity, which is one of the reasons that I did not stay in relationship with him. I was not convinced that he truly wanted to recover from his traumatic past and his personal and social environment was filled with easy access to addictive substances and behaviors. Proverbially, I could see the writing on the wall, and as much as I enjoyed his company and his person, I also knew that I would have been putting myself in danger if I stayed with him.

Unfortunately, being in such close proximity to the “familiar” in his social and spatial environment kept triggering him and calling him back to the same playground where he was not strong enough to stand up to his temptations, so he would go back to his addictions. Indeed, relapse is what happens when an addict stops using but they do not change their environment. This also happens when an addict does not replace the addictive habits and activities with healthy ones and surround themselves with healthy, supportive people. In other words, no one can go into the lion’s den without any armour and expect to come out unscathed. I was really saddened to learn of the premature death of the bright, supportive man that I once dated who seemed trapped in his addiction by his environment, but I was not surprised.

There is an old adage that says, if you want to recover from painful events and people in your life, you will also have to change “your playground and your playmates.” This adage rings true for the addict and those who love the addict. When we keep going back to the same people, places and things who are not good for us or who cause us pain, eventually we will be hurt again. Therefore, there are times when we may have to distance ourselves or completely walk away from these people, places, and things for our own good, especially if the boundaries that we have set in place do not work, or if the addict is constantly crossing or disregarding them (that is if they do not run you away first!).

I have found that creating this safe space to be a very nerve-wrecking and time-consuming task (especially if the distance you need to set in place will alienate or isolate you from your best friend or the very thing that has given you a sense of meaning or joy in life). It is not easy to create a safety plan or exit, nor is it comfortable to set boundaries with people who will probably get angry with those boundaries. We must expect the addict to be angry with our boundaries, and there are many stops and restarts before we succeed at creating the safe space that we need to engage a person who is active in addiction – but it is what we have to go through if we are to overcome the pain inflicted by those who are perhaps not truly aware of the impact of their words or actions.

As one of my recovery partners once said: “It is almost impossible to love a person who struggles with addiction.” I can attest that it is almost impossible to love an addict because most addicts lie, and thus engaging them is frustrating to say the least. Indeed, it is devastating and painful to be in relationship with a person who is active in addiction, and usually that means they will be lying to cover it up. On the one hand, I believe it is possible to love an addict, but it is also important to recognize when it is time to abandon ship to save ourselves and name the pain caused by addiction – this we must do if we are to heal. If oblivion or the habitual attempt to not feel is a such a significant aspect of addiction, then finding the courage to feel, which is one of the definitive marks of our humanity, is definitely part of the answer.

Thankfully, I have learned from so many that staying silent is one of the things that hurts me and the addict; being silent is not healthy because it can destroy us on the inside: science has shown us that it can literally lead to the body attacking itself with pain or disease (I recommend Dr. Gabor Mate in The Body Says No). Recently, a very abusive addict that I know asked me, “Are you still mad at me?” and I said no. But that was far from the truth. A few days later, I went back and admitted that not only was I angry at this person, what I really felt was rage. Of course, there was no response, but it was liberating for me to own up to my feelings, and on the other side of my anger, rage, loss and grief I found healing and that healing has kept me on the path to recovery, which has helped me to be true and patient with my own healing journey, especially in the face of super strong emotions, such as anger.

Fortunately, I want healing more than I want people in my life. I am committed to experiencing peace and acceptance with myself and my life’s choices, but it took me years to get to this point. I had to learn how to put myself before others and I am still working on it: sometimes I am not as successful as I want to be because I have been socialized to put the care of myself after the care of others, most women have been taught to do this in both personal and professional terms. I am at my best when I am mindful of my pain and do not run from it. My experiences with loving black men suffering with addiction have taught me to be aware and mindful of my pain, and how to not let their suffering consume me. Becoming mindful of strong emotions, a practice inspired by the teachings of the great Thich Nhat Hanh, has been a game-changer for me. I am very grateful for the Buddhist teachings that have taught me “how to handle strong emotions.”

Likewise, to face a powerful addiction, an addict must 1) learn how to put the care of him or herself above their addictions; 2) find new habits and a healthy, supportive social environment; 3) be courageous enough to feel their pain, and 4) stop using substances and behaviors to numb their pain.

Unfortunately, this does not happen as often as we might think it does. Many addicts are too weak in the face of their addictions because most do not know how to cope with the ups and downs of life without their addictions. Far too often this means that the addict will suffer debilitating consequences, even death that is accelerated and complicated by years and perhaps decades of self-abuse.

I sincerely wonder if those who actively remain in addiction ponder their own sense of purpose and being: do they think about how they will be remembered for who they are, or for what, if anything, will they leave behind when this life is over, besides a reputation of being drunk or high and therefore being destructive to themselves and others? Frankly, I do not think that most addicts find themselves in that kind of headspace very often: they are literally too out of their minds to reflect upon their own futures, for indeed, when addiction has control of a person, there is no one home.

Contrary to popular belief, drunks and addicts do not speak the truth when they are under the influence, for example, rather they speak the twisted language of the “committee” that has convened in their drunk minds and usually those voices are super careless and reckless. Rarely, do I trust anything that comes out of the the mouth of a person who is under the influence, and especially not if the person who is speaking gets most of their news or information from social media and unreliable sources (and that is most people these days), and definitely not if they are not doing anything to help themselves.

What my elder friend said truly resonated with me because when it is all said and done…when I have completed my life’s work, I too want to leave behind a legacy that I would be proud of. I want to be known as someone who stood up to false idols and addictions (however messy my standing up might have been). I want to be remembered as someone who contributed something meaningful to the world in which I live. I am very proud of this friend who has become an urban farmer and who gives the food away to the people in the neighboring community. As far as he is concerned, addiction did not have the last word and I truly celebrate that!.

To this day, however, there are people in my life that I love deeply who have chosen to stay active in addiction and, thus, they suffer greatly and they bring great suffering to themselves and to others. Consequently, I have had to distance myself from them, even when I did not want to, because I learned first-hand that they would harm me, even if they did not mean to do it. It is said that “hurt people, hurt people.” I still love the addicts in my life, but from a safe distance and with the help of recovery programs, most of which are online and free. So while I have lost people that I love to addiction to an extent, I have also gained people who are in recovery and who have helped me (based on personal experience) to navigate my own recovery from the impact of loving someone who is struggling with addiction. I believe that we can all address our addictions by: making healing a priority for ourselves; by mindful living, breathing and becoming aware but not consumed by strong emotions or feelings; and by replacing addictive habits and behaviors with healthy, courageous, and straightforward communication and responses (setting boundaries and delivering consequences like walking away) with those who cause us harm.

If you are struggling with the impact of someone else’s addiction, I recommend finding a group or confiding in someone who knows from experience what it is like to endure a relationship with an addict. Most of my friends who are not in recovery, some of whom I do not communicate with any longer, were not willing or able to let me develop or experience my own recovery or healing process. In a couple instances, I felt that they wanted me to respond to an addict in my life in their way and that was not going to happen. I felt silenced when that happened. Healing from addiction is messy and certainly it is imperfect, but I am the architect of my own recovery, and no one who is my friend should want or try to take that away from me. I am responsible for recovering myself.

We cannot leave meaningful things behind in this life if we let our addictions rule us, or if we stay active in our addictions. In addition, if we allow addiction to run our lives, then we will suffer and cause suffering to others. I do not want to do that. We must work daily at keeping our addictions or compulsions under control. Living sober must become a priority for us all (and please note that for me sobriety is not synonymous with abstinence).

So, how about you? What is your legacy, or how do you want to be remembered? What is the measure of your life beyond the earthly life that we know (and not in terms of children or grandchildren)? What is your legacy? What reputation are you creating for yourself in life? Given the toxicity of the world that we are living in, I believe these are very important questions; this world creates the conditions for addiction and it drives us all to soothe ourselves from the pain that we experience, but that is not an excuse to do nothing. If we are ever to experience transcendence and peace, I believe, we must rise above our addictions by recovering our true selves, which will empower us to live sober and free.

Please feel free to leave your answer in the comments section below. I look forward to your feedback.

© 2023 annalise fonza, Ph.D.

Updated 05/25/2024

A True Story of Addiction

One day as I shared a meal with a friend that I loved, my friend embraced me and told me how much they cared about me and kissed me goodbye.

Less than twenty-four hours later, as they were under the influence of their addictions, this same friend looked me in the face and said with no respect for my intelligence nor my feelings that they did not have anything to give to me; as if I meant nothing to them. It was the exact opposite of what they said to me the day before.

This is how painfully abusive – and narcissistic – that an addict can be: as in the very embodiment of the nineteenth century character Dr. Jekyll, Mr. Hyde. When the addict is in the grip of their addiction, the person you experience will probably depend on how far into the addictive drug or behavior they are in the moment.

Today, from the safe distance that their actions forced me to put in place, I can say that I do not hate the addict. Rather, I hate what addiction has done to a person who was once able to give me love, respect, and even affection. Indeed, the unnecessary losses and damage caused by addiction, for the addict and their loved ones, are very heartbreaking.

If you are like me, you may desperately want to help your friends or family who are troubled by addictions. I have learned, however, that the best thing to do is to hold space and be there for them when and if they manage to recover the best part of themselves because they deserve to be the architects of their own recovery, which will mean much more to them than I ever could.

Of course, we all need support and community around us, but every person struggling with addiction must be the architect of their own recovery.

© 2023 annalise fonza, Ph.D.

Updated 09/28/2023

The Pain of the Past

If you let the pain of your past define and control your present, it will affect the breadth and depth of your future.

Failure to address (and thus respect) any prolonged pain – bodily or emotional – can have devastating consequences. Eventually, if you do not acknowledge and/or release your pain, it can make you sick, angry, abusive, or cause you to isolate and numb yourself to the point that you might lose everything and everyone that is important to you.

Worst of all, holding on to an emotionally painful past can make you lose sight of who you are. It can make you believe that you are something or someone that you are not.

You have the power to let go of the pain from your past. Use it to name it, feel it, release it, and watch the pain of the past slowly but surely fade away.

© 2020 annalise fonza, Ph.D.

Post updated 10/4/2020

Be Who You Are, Not What You Do

The things that I do for a living do not make me who I am. I work, primarily, so that I have money to pay my bills. On the one hand, my work is – to some degree – a reflection of who I am and what I value in life. On the other hand, and this is something that I believe we have all learned during the Coronavirus pandemic, is that work (as in a job) is temporal. It is time- sensitive and often limited by the environment in which we live, whether we understand that or not.

I know people who define themselves by the work that they do (or for more superficial reasons such as the benefits of work, i.e., money, prestige, power, material possessions). But what happens when that work dries up or goes away? Who would they be if their day-to-day work duties came to an end through no fault of their own, or through some fault of their own? It is good to take pride in our work, but it is even more important that we learn to define and express ourselves by what is within us, as opposed to what is outside or around us. And, we must know that who we are is not contingent upon what we do for a living, rather who we are is contingent on the beings that we are deep down inside.

There are people who I know in life who define themselves by the work that they do day-to-day on “the job.” Often, those very same people are workaholics, which is, as I have been told, one of the most acceptable yet destructive addictions that a person can have. Because, without that work, they feel meaningless, worthless, and very lost (in a world of so many possibilities). These very same people, who display so much pride and ego about their jobs may easily feel like nothing if and when their jobs come to a complete halt (and so do the things that that work provided). And, this should tell us something about their character, huh? Perhaps they lack the ability (or the courage) to reinvent themselves when life calls on them to create new ways of being and doing; and, unfortunately, that work and those things are what they use to define themselves. It does not have to be that way. 

In summary, who we are is connected to our character, which is an intangible thing and something that we develop over time, ever since the day that we came into this world. Are you a lover of trees or nature; are you a friend to the broken-hearted or the homeless; are you a fighter for peace and justice, or a natural-born leader? Are you a person who genuinely wants the good or advancement of others?

Or, are you only concerned about yourself and your earthly possessions? Do you misuse and abuse others? Is it easier for you to hate than to love? Of course, I know people who do not know who they are; or, they pretend that they are someone who they are not, usually to (cowardly) get what they want. These people do a lot of damage to themselves and to others.

Whoever you are, it is our character that will reveal who we are: good, bad, or in-between. To be sure, I do know some people who are genuinely good. That is, they are in touch with their own sense of self, which can exist on its own, apart from work, others, and the environments in which we live. Of course, character comes out in word, but most of all it is articulated in our deeds. Yes, the work that we do on a day-to-day basis may be a reflection of our character, or maybe it is not. It all depends on how and why that work is needed. Perhaps the work that we do today for ourselves simply sets the stage for what is to come later, or maybe the work we do today will last for a lifetime. Only you can be the judge and the jury for the place or value that work will take in your life. But, in times of uncertainty, it is always important to remember to be who you are, not what you do.

©2020 annalise fonza, Ph.D.

What Do You Believe?

What you believe about yourself and others will show up in your actions, not in your speech.

If you believe you are worthy, you will act like it and you will make the best choices that you can to experience the best that life has to offer.

If you believe that the lives of others are precious and free, you will treat them with kindness and respect.

If you believe that life is worth the living, you will live it to the best of your ability.

If you respect the people in your life, you will show them that you care about their lives and their feelings.

If you are a good person, you will say and do good things, and you will probably be a giver.

On the other hand, if you believe that you are not a good person, it will be articulated in your actions.

Perhaps you will sabotage just about every good thing that comes into your life, and then fail to take responsibility for the damage that you cause.

The malevolence of your beliefs about yourself will show up in your day-to-day living, and you will probably take much more than you give, if you give anything at all without any expectation of repayment.

If you are selfish, you will not care about how your actions affect others (and being selfish is not a sign that you love yourself, rather it is a type of greed or, frankly, narcissism).

If you are manipulative, you will lie and deceive others to get what you want, and even when what you want could be freely obtained or given.

If you are hateful, you will belittle and spew hate on to others, including those you do not even know. You will not be a genuinely pleasant person to be around.

If you are not trustworthy, you will not trust others, and you may always be looking over your shoulder, and weaponizing yourself with your words and actions.

If deep down you believe that you are not worthy of good things and good people, then you will choose things and people who are not good for you.

You will make poor choices, and possibly suffer devastating consequences.

Oh yes, I have learned to pay attention to the core beliefs of others (and to my own) by observing their actions, not their speech.

And doing this has taught me how to save my own life.

©2020 annalise fonza, Ph.D.

Updated: 07/27/2024

A Cautionary Note to Self on Surviving Abuse

Careful, that you don’t become just like those who failed you with hate, anger, and abuse.

You deserve a life that is truly free from their madness and confusion.

Just getting away from them is not enough.

Letting them go and surviving the trauma is also refusing to carry your abuser’s self-destructive thoughts and ways around inside of you.

© 2018 annalise fonza, Ph.D.