I believe that I have learned an important lesson in how to heal from a painful situation or relationship (and it has only taken me more than half of my life to figure it out).

In my healing process, I had to learn to give myself all the feelings and attention that the people in my life could not give to me for one reason or another.

Who knew that being consistently and intentionally kind and loving to myself could become the most powerful way for me to truly heal from trauma or pain?

It sounds so simple, but when a person is in pain or when they are sad they often do not think that being kind to themselves is the answer. They just want the pain to go away.

They just want to feel better.

Once I learned how to start showing up for myself, emotionally, I began to acnowledge and understand my feelings, and my outer wounds begin to heal, one day at a time, as some might say.

I also learned that it was very important to resist the temptation to numb myself or do anything excessively, as a means for helping me cope with my feelings of sadness and loss.

Sadness and loss are just as much a part of life as happiness and gain, but many of us do not know how to manage sadness like we do happiness or joy. No one really teaches us head-on in childhood or adolescence how to work through sad and even negative feelings in ways that are loving and healthy, at least none that I remember. In my family of origin, for example, my siblings and I were each on our own when it came to feeling sadness and loss, especially as we all experienced the divorce of our parents and thus the loss of our family life as we knew it then. Nevertheless, I believe that we did the best we could with the tools that we had at the time.

In adulthood, as I heal from sad and painful situations, it has been critical for me to be more intentional about wading through my feelings. I take the time to feel and express my feelings, not to run from them or ignore them. I am a part of several support groups, and therefore I learn from others who are actively taking the time to recover their authentic selves.

On the other hand, I frequently seek out opportunities for solitude and self-reflection, and when I feel super low, I give myself all the feelings that I want and need from others, such as:

patience,

kindness,

recognition,

encouragement,

acceptance,

motivation,

praise,

unconditional love,

courage,

and of course the healing joy that comes from laughter.

Furthermore, since I am solo, there are many enjoyable activities that I do for and with myself, like listening to straight ahead jazz and professional message therapy, which bring me back to myself and to the task of making my dreams come true. I spend my energy on myself, instead of on others who have demonstrated to me that they do not give a flying-47 about me, my health, or my ultimate success in life.

As I practiced lovingkindness towards myself, I knew I was getting better when the memory of what others did or did not do did not matter to me as much as it once did. When I put the focus on just being me, in the words of the great Abbey Lincoln, I could tell that I was recollecting myself and my power. My strength was renewed as I learned to cultivate love and compassion into my very own being.

As a result, I have gained a profound realization of self-preservation; one that I never really had before. This understanding comes to me at the strangest of times, and when it does I remind that vulnerable and precious part of myself that I will do everything in my power to be here for her and to take care of her, to the best of my ability for the rest of my life.

Realizing the significance of self-advocacy is one of the greatest feelings that I have ever had: it has reassured me of the trustworthiness of my own persistence, power, and presence: my very own will to thrive. Sometimes, that looks like a fierce standing up for myself or protecting myself from those in my life who are unable to be there for me or from those who try to harm or hurt me. I have learned to trust myself, and I trust those who are trustworthy.

In today’s society, this type of vigilance is necessary because, increasingly, more people – all around the world – are exhibiting narcissistic and selfish traits. Regrettably, there are some very troubled people in this world and  they do cause others to feel pain and suffering, and I believe that the people who do this are very, very sick individuals. That is no excuse, but I do perceive them as immature and ill-minded people who function like badly behaving children. As adults, they are very dangerous people to be around because they often make impulsive, misguided decisions, but let them tell it  they are the victim of everyone else’s actions. They do not take accountability for what they do to hurt others nor do they seem to realize that they sabotage their own happiness. This is quite sad.

Anyhow, the moral of this blog is that unless you are sick or legitimately dependent upon others, no one should be able to love you (an adult) any better than you can. We can heal ourselves when we present ourselves with the gifts of lovingkindness.

© 2024 annalise fonza, Ph.D., MURP, M.Div., MPA

Updated 02/28/2024