You will know that it is time to run away from an emotionally abusive person when you hear them say very troubling, self-deprecating things about themselves such as:

I am not a good person; or,

I know I am an a****le; or,

I do not forgive; or,

I do not care about anyone else but you and me; or,

I ain’t s**t; or,

I am a broken person; or, worst of all,

I do not have anything to give anyone right now.

When you hear them say these kinds of things about themselves that is not the time to stick around to see if they will change.

By their own admission, they are telling you exactly what they believe about themselves and their own attributes or character; or how they really see themselves when they are alone and looking in the mirror – which is super heartbreaking.

Way back, somebody with authority in their lives may have said those words to plant those terrible seeds of self-hate inside of them so that one day hatefulness would be in full bloom and rule them, as it did for the ones who planted those seeds.

When you start to hear this kind of talk from someone you know, maybe even someone you love, it is hard – but that is your cue to get up and run away; go for your safety. It is not your responsibility to heal them or to fix them.

The longer you stay or wait, you will be wasting your precious time (time you could be spending on yourself or with someone who sees themselves and you in positive, loving terms) on a person who is full of self-hate and doing absolutely nothing to address it so that they could become a better person. This way of thinking feels normal to them, and it is, perhaps, the only way they know to be. Being hateful is central to their identity.

This kind of person will only bring you pain, and you do not deserve that. Come to think about it, in all fairness, neither do they.

© 2023 annalise fonza, Ph.D., MDiv.

Updated 12/13/2023