When Is It Time To Run Away?

You will know that it is time to run away from an emotionally abusive person when you hear them say very troubling, self-deprecating things about themselves such as:

I am not a good person; or,

I know I am an a****le; or,

I do not forgive; or,

I do not care about anyone else but you and me; or,

I ain’t s**t; or,

I am a broken person; or, worst of all,

I do not have anything to give anyone right now.

When you hear them say these kinds of things about themselves that is not the time to stick around to see if they will change.

By their own admission, they are telling you exactly what they believe about themselves and their own attributes or character; or how they really see themselves when they are alone and looking in the mirror – which is super heartbreaking.

Way back, somebody with authority in their lives may have said those words to plant those terrible seeds of self-hate inside of them so that one day hatefulness would be in full bloom and rule them, as it did for the ones who planted those seeds.

When you start to hear this kind of talk from someone you know, maybe even someone you love, it is hard – but that is your cue to get up and run away; go for your safety. It is not your responsibility to heal them or to fix them.

The longer you stay or wait, you will be wasting your precious time (time you could be spending on yourself or with someone who sees themselves and you in positive, loving terms) on a person who is full of self-hate and doing absolutely nothing to address it so that they could become a better person. This way of thinking feels normal to them, and it is, perhaps, the only way they know to be. Being hateful is central to their identity.

This kind of person will only bring you pain, and you do not deserve that. Come to think about it, in all fairness, neither do they.

© 2023 annalise fonza, Ph.D., MDiv.

Updated 12/13/2023

Selfishness is Not the Same as Self-Love

Unfortunately, there are people in this world who do not show genuine or heartfelt concern for anybody else but themselves. In addition, with the increasing popularity of devices and products that promote narcissistic behaviors, selfishness is on the rise. It is pretty sad, but true: human beings are becoming more and more insular and selfish, and selfish people live their lives as if no one else matters but them, as if they and their issues are the only ones that have any importance. I have learned, first-hand, that selfish people do not know how to be empathetic; they act as if their needs and wants are the only ones with any real value. So often, they want what they are not able or willing to give, and, therefore, they come across as “takers” not givers.

Perhaps it is possible that they simply do not know how to be present for others, but on their own, selfish people rarely take the time to learn how to do for others, although sometimes they pretend that they are interested in other peoples’ problems. By and large, they do not even try to become better, more giving people, and the bad part about it is that their behavior is so widespread and prevalent that selfish, narcissistic people are overwhelmingly tolerated, and sometimes they are even revered or rewarded by society in general (in recent years, I can think of one such person, for example, who actually occupied one of the highest positions in American government, and maybe even the world). On the other hand, that they are tolerated, or even revered, does not make it right. There are a lot of very unfortunate and regrettable things (and people) that are tolerated by our American, Western society, which only goes to show us that we humans do not always get it right. In fact, there are times when we get it terribly wrong.

Not surprisingly, most of what a selfish person says and does for others is self-serving and done for some ultimate personal, social or financial benefit; like children they have a me-me-me approach to life in general (e.g., arrested development). Sadly, a lot of the negative things that have happened to selfish people are of their own doing; they often bring more than their share of pain and suffering in life upon themselves – and others – because they exhibit awfully narcissistic behaviors, and narcissists are not good people to be around because they intentionally manipulate and hurt people.

Some of the selfish people that I have known personally have tried to claim, absurdly, that their behavior is synonymous with self-love. For instance, one selfish person that I know would frequently claim -about themselves- “I love me some me.” But, in other moments, this same person would make self-deprecating comments about what they deserved, or not. Their concept of what they expected to get from others and out of life was embedded in punishment and guilt, which they believed was deserved. On more than one occasion, for example, the same person said to me -about themselves- that “I am not s***.” Of course, this statement told me everything that I needed to know about this person, although at the time they spoke it I did not want to believe it. I did not want to fathom that a person that I cared about could feel this poorly about themselves: deep-down, they believed that did not deserve good things and good people in their life and this saddened me, and I could see that the deep-seated and self-loathing thoughts that they expressed about themselves informed their choices.

It is our actions, not words, that articulate what we truly believe about ourselves and the world around us. Personally, I once knew another selfish person who claimed to love themselves, but they frequently made very dangerous, unhealthy choices, and they spent lots of money and time acquiring material things and “trophy-like people” to gain external validation and attention. They sabotaged many of the good and important opportunities (and good people) that came their way – such as not going on to further their education because, in their own words, they spent all their time “in the trap house.” On the one hand, this person secured a good full-time job with great job security, but hanging out in the streets or being seen as “street credible” by those who lived and died by the streets was central to their identity. As you know, the streets can be very cruel. As a result, their overall outlook upon life and life’s challenges was quite dark and cruel. It was very sad to me when I had to come to this hard reality about my so-called friend.

In addition, they would often put their own body in harm’s way just to be seen, heard, and touched. They did this, for example, by engaging in very risky sexual encounters and ignoring the threat of their own physical or medical needs brought on by the excessive use of addictive substances and behaviors. For a long time I tried to go along with their “I love me some me” storyline, but eventually, I could not deny what I was seeing: they did not love themselves. On the contrary, they harmed themselves in darn near every way imaginable. No one who loves themselves knowingly and repeatedly puts their own bodily and mental health in reckless peril.

Another thing selfish people do is twist reality. For example, I observed a selfish person isolate themselves emotionally in busy social settings on a daily basis and then claim to be an introvert. I thought, either they did not know the meaning of the word “introvert,” they were up to no good, or maybe they wanted people to feel sorry for them. Most adults know that introverts tend to run towards quiet and solitude. Extraverts are the ones who surround themselves with crowds and people; an introvert would rather be alone. True introverts do not seek out crowds (or people) and then claim to be introverted. The more that I heard this person claim to be an introvert, the more I wondered what they were up to because there is absolutely no way that an introvert would seek to be in a social setting every day. That is what an extrovert would do.

My encounters with selfish (and destructive) people have taught me that anyone who has to repeatedly claim that they love themselves with the phrase “I love me some me” is a walking, breathing red flag. It took me a minute to realize, but thankfully the blinders fell off, that such over-the-top claims to “love me some me” were simply not true. Perhaps (at best) they were unconscious cries for help because as the old adage says, actions speak louder than words. No matter what someone says, their actions will always show you who they are.

Whenever a person avoids taking good care of themselves – to the point that they will knowingly put themselves in harm’s way – it is not even close to self-love or loving self: it is self-abuse. Furthermore, avoiding or ignoring others does not necessarily have anything to do with loving one’s self either, it just makes that person a terribly self-centered person who does not care about others’ feelings and a person who specializes in ruining their own future chances at being valued and loved by others, unless they need someone or something like money, food, sex, or a place to stay. At that point, a selfish person will wear the mask and lie to get what they want, but the facade typically does not last for very long. The mask always comes off, and the lie of that mask will expose them. Just wait.

Finally, here is the thing: when a person is generally good at loving themselves they will be genuinely good at loving others, because loving ourselves is inextricably bound up with learning how to love, trust, and respect others. What I am saying is that the ability to love others comes naturally when we are able to do it first – and best – for ourselves. On the flipside, if a person fails to love themselves or to show up for themselves, no matter how much they claim to love themselves and for whatever the reason, it is absolutely impossible for them to genuinely love or be there for anybody else. Before we humans can genuinely love others, the love of self must always come first. Therefore, if we do not love ourselves, we cannot genuinely love anybody else.

© 2023 annalise fonza, Ph.D.

Updated 02/24/2024

Not Without Intimacy: Black Women & the Power of Relationship

Back in 2023, I was in conversation with a coworker about what it is like to be dating at 50 and over. This subject also came up when one of my students asked me about my relationship status. Actually, I should say that we were talking about what it is like to be open to dating at 50 and older because it is now quite rare that I genuinely want to be with a man for the purpose of intimacy. On the other hand, this does not mean that I am without intimacy in my life because intimacy is not something that is limited to nor is it dependent upon the men in my life. In fact, there are many ways to experience intimacy in this amazing, wonderful life!

In order for me to desire intimacy with a man there has to be reciprocity. Unfortunately, many of my former and would-be male partners failed repeatedly to be “reciprocitious” in their day-to-day interactions with me. The inability to offer reciprocity, which is a significant part of expressing emotional maturity, as far as I am concerned, is a deal-breaker (and please note that I am not using the terms intimacy and sex interchangeably). In other words, a one-way relationship is out of question. For me to embrace a relationship as worthwhile, both of us must have the ability and willingness to give and receive. Any man who demonstrates that he has nothing to offer; that he is unable to give of his authentic self (not the same as his money, possessions, or power/positions in life); and that he is unwilling to receive unilateral gifts of love and affection from me will disqualify himself as a potential or long-term partner. 

Frankly, it has come down to this: I will not spend my time nor my person with a man who is unable or unwilling to articulate and present his authentic self to me. Sadly, there are many men over the age of 50 who are in this predicament. In fact, there are many men who have absolutely no clue what the term “authentic self” actually means because patriarchy teaches them to be the exact opposite of authentic. Patriarchy, which is not the same as masculinity, is an ideological assertion that teaches boys and men to be impostors and to lie, steal, and take to get what they want, including taking the approval from other men that is gained at the expense of girls or women.

Much to my dismay, I personally know quite a few men over the age of 50 who approach relationship and intimacy from a patriarchal standpoint and as if they were 35 years old or less, again (e.g., they exhibit signs of arrested development). One of the most disappointing expressions of patriarchy for me, for example, was hearing a man brag about how many women that he had sex with throughout his lifetime – as if having sex with women was an important contribution to society.  Apparently what is between his legs was something that gave him a sense of value or importance. This was very troubling for me to digest for  obvious reasons. Furthermore, I am much more interested in what is in a man’s head than any other part of his body.

Not too long ago, for example, I heard from a man who knew me as an adolescent and who admitted to perpetuating a lie that one of his friends spread about me that benefited him in his social circle, yet it was a lie that was told – unbeknownst to me – at my expense. Ironically, the person who told the lie is now dead. Not that it matters to me today, because none of these former adolescent acquaintances has a significant place in my life today, but I share it to illustrate how the toxicity of patriarchal behavior that is articulated in adolescence may continue to be a reality that follows one into in adulthood.

I am also aware that many of the adult men that I could or would date may be currently struggling  with mid-life issues, such as declining health, overwhelming feelings of regret or missed opportunities, or disappointment in the inevitable change in outer body appearance or physical (including sexual) ability. Nevertheless, if they do not intentionally resist patriarchy, then they too will be prone to repeat and perpetuate the destructive personal and social patriarchal patterns and the consequences that go along with it. It is a vicious cycle that some will never muster the courage to confront or break. However, if they do not break these toxic, patriarchal attitudes and cycles, I regret to say that their lives will not be much different than the ones who taught them to behave this way. Indeed, it is insane – and troubling to me – that they apparently want to keep living like this!

Given the childish/narcissistic behavior of many of the men that I know, I tend to assume that they secretly long for the return to their adolescent and young adult selves. After years of tolerating patriarchal treatment that was filled with rounds of the silent treatment; emotional abandonment; emotionally abusive behavior; angry outbursts; irrational hostilities directed at me simply because I expressed a different opinion or challenged their way of thinking; unilateral attempts to control the thermostat or anything attached to the maintenance of the apartment or house; lying (usually by omission); accusations that I was cheating because what I was wearing looked “too good” for just me or everyday attire; drunken as in intoxicated) rants and thus unpredictable behavior; constant criticisms about my choice in movies or other personal interests that I embraced; and other unbelievably childish incidents that I am simply too embarrassed to repeat.

Thank goodness, I finally decided that it was useless to spend even five minutes with any man who does not have the slightest idea of how to regulate his emotions or be in a healthy, dynamic relationship with an intimate partner.

I know that I can do much better, or I could just be with myself because I like spending time with me! Frankly, I cannot believe that I stayed as long as I did with such emotionally bankrupt men as long as I did in the past, but I am super glad that I was finally able to give up on men who apparently are not prepared for a balanced, healthy relationship. I have better things to do with my time than be with someone who will try to treat me as if I am an idiot, or as if I would not be able to see through all the emotionally abusive games that these men play.

Because of these encounters with men, I have learned many lessons, but one of the greatest is this: it is a total waste of my time to spend any serious amount of time with a man who is, at best, emotionally immature and has not accepted his own evolutionary process. The behaviors of a man who is  clueless about his emotional maturity (or lack thereof) are simply unacceptable; and – therefore – emotionally immature men are unacceptable! At this point in time, emotionally immature men are not even worth it to me; furthermore, they vex me and they are hazardous to my health and well-being. Indeed, I am attracted to a man for what is on the outside, but what is on the inside, in terms of his emotional maturity or intelligence, is far more valuable to me in the long run, and that is what I pay close attention to when a man shows any romantic interest in me.

This means, for example, that I observe how a man speaks to me about women and women’s issues in general (such as leadership, employment, and reproductive rights); how he handles the unexpected ups and downs in his life; and, how he plans for his own self-care and personal growth and advancement, including the upkeep of his physical and mental health. If a man who is interested in me is only satisfied with the mediocre in his life, then I am definitely not the one for him.

Here is the thing:

My standard is excellence, not mediocrity, and if a man is romantically interested in me he will have to earn the privilege of being with me. I will no longer assume that a man has the ability to be emotionally present to me just because he shows interest in me. He will have to demonstrate that he has what it takes to sustain a healthy, loving relationship.

In some circles, it is well understood that out of all groups of women, black women are often the least chosen for the purpose of marriage. In fact, I know quite a few black women over the age of 50 – even over the age of 70 –  and they live their lives alone, without a marital partner. To support this realization, author Ralph Richard Banks writes that “black women are three times as likely as white women to never marry.” This is truly a conundrum to me because 1) black women are one of the most productive groups in this country and 2) we are one of the most educated groups of women in the U.S. Yet, when it comes to marriage we are glaringly alone. Of course, I am biased, but black women are some of the most resilient, bravest people that I happen to know, so I get it that it is disappointing for some to see so many beautiful black women living their lives alone.

However, to the whole idea of being alone I must say, SO WHAT? Being alone does not mean that we are without intimacy, or companionship, or fulfillment in life; and, frankly I am not in competition with white women or any other woman about marriage. The fact that black women are perhaps the least likely to be married as other women is not necessarily a bad thing. There are lots of issues that factor into this social phenomenon, including the incarceration or death of a partner or spouse, particularly as it pertains to the disproportionate jailing of black men. Given these factors and the complexity of social realities facing black women, there is absolutely nothing wrong or shameful about being alone. In some cases, choosing to stay single might be the better choice.

If I were to offer a hypothesis (from the perspective of a social scientist), I believe that today’s status of cis-gender hetero black women may suggest that they are quietly dismantling and transcending the construct of marriage as it is articulated in Western American culture. In other words, perhaps marriage in the Western sense is not truly working out for black women, but this is not due to any fault of their own, nor should we accept any blame for what is happening socially. Many black women are rejecting marriage and traditional relationship frameworks, including childbearing, because of patriarchy and the oppressiveness thereof. Consequently, in response they are consciously choosing to stay single and they are happy with that choice (and thanks to the sacrifices of many women who went before us, we can do that!).

Think of it this way: there are many black women who are not willing to put up with the patriarchal crap that their predecessors may have been forced to put up with due to racism (also perpetuated by white women), white supremacy, and blatant forms of gender and employment discrimination. Today, we too have options and we are not limited to one group of men, nor American men for that matter. For a good read on the subject of black women navigating relationships on their own terms, I recommend, No Thanks: Black, Female, and Living in the Martyr-Free Zone,  a book by Keturah Kendrick.

For many black women, like me, marriage is not completely off the table, but I do know that many of us are simply over the hype of marriage as a marker of success. Thankfully, some of us have finally come to the realization that we do not need marriage to make us who we are or anything. We are just fine without marriage or a spouse “to make us whole,” thank you very much! We are already whole – or complete – and to assert that black women need marriage to make us this or that is quite frankly sexist and comes out of a place and a way of thinking that women (at the least) should have let go of a long time ago.

For example, the idea of marriage in the Bible is rooted in polygamy, not monogamy. Can you identify one man in the Old Testament, for example, that did not have or feel entitled to more than one wife? Unfortunately, there are many men and women who formulate their ideas about marriage and women’s rights from this ancient book, which is one reason why I would not follow many of the men that I meet or know down the block, let alone into marriage – and definitely not if they are regularly use lies and manipulative behavior to get something from women, which is all too common these days.

If a man believes in the marriage of the Bible and if he takes the Bible literally (via the Old or New Testament), then he is not for me. Many of the men that I know who take the Bible literally about marriage do not take the Bible literally in other aspects of their lives, especially as it pertains to their familial, social, sexual, eating, and drinking habits (in other words they do and say many things that would be considered sin or “abomination” according to the Bible). Men who do this are hypocrites to me, not to mention they pick and choose parts of the Bible to serve their own interests. I will not make any space or time for a man in my life who is into “cherry-picking” the Bible, whether intentionally or not. This is a sign of self-centeredness.

There are other reasons that I do not use the Bible or other scriptural texts to organize my life and one of them is that rarely are the stories in the Bible genuinely concerned about the lives of women. In my scholarly opinion, I would like to propose that the Bible is a book that was written by men for men (and I am definitely not the first woman to make this proposal). But, no need to rely on opinion: can we point to any women who were a part of the Council of Nicaea in the fourth century??? Likewise, we do not know much about Mary the mother of Jesus beyond Jesus; but as it pertains to the literary record it is not a stretch to say that Mary’s primary function was to produce a son. Or, let me put it like this: she exists in the Bible only in relationship to her child; not as an autonomous biblical figure with a mission of her own.

Similarly, other women in the Bible, starting with Eve, are represented as problematic or tempestuous to the men around them; this idea has been foundational for most if not all of the Abrahamic religions from the start. In short, I will say that the biblical depiction of women is very problematic, and I refuse to redeem it or give it more credibility than it deserves. In addition, if I have said it once I have said it a thousand times: the Bible is not a history book – it is a book of faith, rooted in the lives of a specific group of people that lived more than 2,000 years ago. It is no secret that books of faith are often not historically accurate.

That said, I do not and will not appropriate the book that is called the Bible to order the events of my life, nor do I use it to make sense of life in general. Be my guest if you wish to give the Bible this kind of prominence in your life, but I simply cannot justify making such an outdated and patriarchal book the blueprint for my life. On the other hand, if the Bible teaches me anything it is what I do not want, and there is no doubt whatsoever in my mind that my life does not have to be rooted in what it has to offer as a non-chronological and non-sequential collection of writings.

The Bible’s prescriptions for my relationship to men and marriage are frankly not even relevant to me. These texts, written over two millennia ago, how could they be? The authors of this collection of texts could NEVER have imagined me or my life, personally or culturally speaking. Today, I can live a good, healthy life without marriage, and when it comes to male companionship or partnership, I can take it or leave it. I have the means and the ability to provide for myself, and there is no way on this blue and green Earth that I would spend the rest of my life with a man if his views on gender, womanhood, and even marriage are based on male superiority and thus female inferiority that is rooted in “another time and another place” (in the words of Abbey Lincoln).

For crying out loud, in the twenty-first century, there is so much more that I can use to “order my steps” in this amazing world of ours (pun intended). At this point in time, for instance, I tend to connect more readily with Buddhist philosophy than I do with Christian philosophy because the notions of balance and mindfulness are foundational to my well-being, inside and out. To be sure, it is one of my aspirations to live a balanced life: finding the balance between work, life, and my personal relationships is key to good mental and physical health.

Dating as it exists today is one of the scariest endeavors that I have even had to negotiate: addiction plagues a lot of the eligible men that I know and online dating sites are full of narcissists and people trying to manipulate women for all kinds of things, including sex, money, attention, etc. Yes, I know that women engage in their share of using others for personal gain, but it is nowhere near the things that men have done historically to hurt women and children: the biggest predators and sexual offenders in our society are men not women. If an example is needed, just take a look at the history of the Catholic Church.

On the other hand, it is not hard to recognize toxic patriarchy; all you have to do is pay attention to what a man says because usually he exposes himself. For instance, a man that I know once tried to tell me that a woman that he used to date calls him from time to time to tell him that she hates him. Really? Why would a person who hates you call you? More than likely, he was the one calling her.

I approach dating like I approach securing my living space and my computer: with great caution and vigilance. But, there are many ways in which black women as a group of people experience intimacy and thus familiar, warm bonds with others. As a group, I know first-hand that black women engage in many activities that bring them a sense of purpose and intimacy. In some cases, we approach our work in relational and collaborative terms, and we connect with those in our professional and personal circles with great familiarity and fondness. Indeed, black women will develop special bonds with friends and perhaps with lovers, even if those bonds must be modified to reflect contemporary, twenty-first century considerations and the hypervigilance that we have to exercise just to be physically  and emotionally safe in a world that often seems to be spinning out of control with toxicity and increasing me-me-me attitudes.

As far as I am concerned, the most important relationship that I will ever have is with myself. I would choose to be with myself a thousand times over being in an intimate relationship or married to a hypocrite and feeling pressured to relinquish or negate the special, intimate relationship that I have with myself. I have places to go, people to see, and things to do, and marriage is not going to keep me from doing those things. If I ever do get married, the marriage and the man will empower me to be my best self and to reach my goals, for myself.

When I first had this conversation about intimacy with my coworker – who is a black woman – I promised her that I would write something about black women and intimacy, and I honored that promise because it has to be said that black women are not victimized, nor are we diminished by the fact that more of us are not in marriage vis a vis any other women’s racial ethnic group – and everyone on the Earth comes from an ethnic group. Furthermore, do the math: the success of marriage in the United States is not all that impressive (it is only at 50%), thus being or staying single well into one’s adulthood is apparently a very wise thing to do.

Let us face it: when it comes to the “institution” of marriage, we cannot keep doing the same thing and expect to get different results: this is insanity. For the time being, I have no interest in getting married, but, to be clear, I am not without intimacy in my life, nor do I want for attention. I am not alone all the time, but when I am alone, I welcome it because solitude gives me a sense of self and “ground of being” that no one else can provide.

No doubt, black women have demonstrated, time after time, that how we spend our time and our talents as it pertains to marriage may be exactly what other women need to see to stay single longer. If you ask me, we are the vanguard as it pertains to the pursuit (or not) of marriage, and our lead is quite remarkable notwithstanding what people (including black men) constantly do to try to put us down or make us seem lacking. We are not the victims here at all.

In closing, I must say that black women are perfectly capable of demonstrating what intimacy can look like with a conscious and steady dedication to ourselves and our loved ones, marriage, or not. The example that we have set is one of the realities that makes us who we are in social, personal and political terms, and it fills our lives with love and meaning, regardless of what others say or think about us. Nothing could be more powerful and purposeful than living a life that is intentionally and authentically connected to self and others and this is one reason that everyday, I am proud of who I am: a totally capable, ethical, beautiful, responsible, serious, and loving black woman.

© 2023 annalise fonza, Ph.D., MURP, M.Div., MPA

Updated 07/21/2025

When Walking Away is All You Need to Say ‘NO’!

I learned how to walk away from troubled and abusive people in my life:

1) When the abuser chose to repeatedly lie, deceive and destroy the trust that we built and treasured,

2) When they claimed to be the victim of my actions (falsely alleging that I hurt their feelings) after they left me with no other option but to run away in order to protect myself (and all I have worked for) from their selfish actions, addictive behaviors and poor decisions,

3) When the person who abused me emotionally was a victim of abuse and emotional neglect as a child and (to this day) has chosen not to address their own woundedness with a mental health professional, although they have the means to do so,

4) When it dawned on me that the abandonment that I experienced from my abuser was a reenactment of the abandonment and abuse that they experienced in childhood, adolescence and, yes, even in adulthood,

5) When I had no other choice but to leave and thus stand up for the truth when my abuser cowardly made every attempt to barrage me with empty promises, meaningless excuses, and blatant omissions of truth,

6) When my abuser denied and refused to acknowledge the awful things they had done, claimed to be totally clueless about what they had done, and thus totally failed to be accountable for the emotional pain that they caused with their hateful actions, thoughts, and words,

7) And, when it became impossible to offer anything of value to them, especially my person, as it became apparent to me that the abuser would sabotage all the good that we worked for in our relationship with poor decision making, childish-narcissistic thinking, and addictive behaviors.

Indeed, in response to their traumatizing and terrifying behaviors, I could have become like an enemy or a ninja warrior to them, or I could have exposed them to others – even to law enforcement. Worse yet, I could have become just like my abuser, and just like their abusers whom they chose to emulate. But, without any doubt, walking away – which was made possible by standing up for myself and unapologetically in my truth – was the very best way to say ‘enough is enough‘: the number one way – in my book – to break the abusive cycle and get on with my amazing little life – because I do not have time to waste.

I believe that there are times when more drastic responses to abuse are appropriate (such as calling the police and filing charges), but there are times when it is enough to use our feet and our absence to say ABSOLUTELY NOT to those who intend to hurt us and then play the victim.

Freeing one’s self from an abusive, controlling, narcissistic person is a powerful act of self-expression and it requires courage: in the end it sends a bold message to the abuser that they did not have the control over you that they thought they had.

For those who choose to stay on the path of deceit, hate, and destruction, I need not to worry nor do I need to act for the purpose of revenge. They will inevitably do more harm to themselves than I or anyone else could ever do. On the one hand, hurt people, hurt people, and that is a horrible shame. Yet, most of all, hurt people hurt themselves because they abuse themselves by blocking themselves from being loved and cared for by healthy, well-meaning people. If they do not seek help to do something healthy to stop their pain, hurt people become their own worst enemies and eventually they might even self-destruct.

Finally, I have learned that hurt people who intentionally harm others tend to believe that they should get away with hurting people, perhaps because the people who hurt them got away with it. Unfortunately, that is not the way that it goes. Sometimes there are consequences to hurting people, and losing people is one of them.

© 2023 annalise fonza, Ph.D.

Updated 10/08/2023

What’s Your Life’s Legacy?

Recovery from addiction has been a subject of my blogging for many years. My adult dating experiences have brought me into direct contact with men who have been gripped by addiction, which means that I too have been affected by addiction, notwithstanding my own shortcomings and addictions (informed by the groundbreaking work of Dr. Gabor Mate, I believe we all have addictions whether we acknowledge them or not).

Recently, I asked a dear friend who stopped drinking primarily for health reasons late in his sixties: “Besides health, what is the number one thing or idea that caused you to stop drinking?” His response was that he did not want his addiction to alcohol to be his legacy.

His answer truly resonated with me.

On the other hand, I still have other friends and loved ones who are deeply controlled and duped by addiction (and the consequences thereof). Everyone around them knows that they are in trouble, but often even they remain silent for fear of being hurt or hurting the feelings of the addict. Personally, however, the person who is struggling with addiction is oblivious to their addictive patterns, although it is obvious to others that they suffer from super destructive patterns and behaviors, which can include excessive working, exercising, smoking, gambling, eating, attention-getting behaviors (via social media and devices), shopping, and sexual activities (including masturbation and pornography) that cannot be managed or controlled, not by their own volition, by Jesus, nor by their “higher power” who is sometimes called “The Most High.”

I have spent more than two decades as a “recovering person” and have learned that it is one thing to have addictions – we all do; it is another to be controlled by them – and not all of us are controlled by our addictions. Those who are controlled by their addictions suffer devastating and embarrassing consequences, and they inevitably hurt, and sometimes destroy the people around them. The damage that addicts cause can be felt on many levels: physical, emotional, financial, sexual, social, etc., and everyone with whom they come into contact will be potentially affected.

The dictionary (Merriam-Webster) defines oblivion as “the state of being forgotten or a state of forgetting.” That is a good word for what happens to the addict: they use substances, people, and behaviors to forget whatever it is that causes them pain and to numb themselves; they do not want to think about or feel their pain. The oblivion of the addict coupled with the denial of their own suffering subsequently causes them to harm themselves and others, yet they usually do not seem to comprehend this either. Instead, their goal seems to be to cast themselves into the “sea of forgetfulness” with substances and behaviors that enable them to get stuck in oblivion. They do not want to feel.

Recently, I learned about the death of a man that I used to date – nearly two decades ago – who was formerly addicted to narcotics and alcohol. About a year ago, he experienced a death-blowing health event when he was just sixty years old and he did not recover. When we first started dating, he shared painful and troubling details of his childhood and how he used drugs to help him cope during his early and mid adulthood. He said that he tried Alcoholics Anonymous and Narcotics Anonymous, but he approached his recovery like an option versus a necessity, which is one of the reasons that I did not stay in relationship with him. I was not convinced that he truly wanted to recover from his traumatic past and his personal and social environment was filled with easy access to addictive substances and behaviors. Proverbially, I could see the writing on the wall, and as much as I enjoyed his company and his person, I also knew that I would have been putting myself in danger if I stayed with him.

Unfortunately, being in such close proximity to the “familiar” in his social and spatial environment kept triggering him and calling him back to the same playground where he was not strong enough to stand up to his temptations, so he would go back to his addictions. Indeed, relapse is what happens when an addict stops using but they do not change their environment. This also happens when an addict does not replace the addictive habits and activities with healthy ones and surround themselves with healthy, supportive people. In other words, no one can go into the lion’s den without any armour and expect to come out unscathed. I was really saddened to learn of the premature death of the bright, supportive man that I once dated who seemed trapped in his addiction by his environment, but I was not surprised.

There is an old adage that says, if you want to recover from painful events and people in your life, you will also have to change “your playground and your playmates.” This adage rings true for the addict and those who love the addict. When we keep going back to the same people, places and things who are not good for us or who cause us pain, eventually we will be hurt again. Therefore, there are times when we may have to distance ourselves or completely walk away from these people, places, and things for our own good, especially if the boundaries that we have set in place do not work, or if the addict is constantly crossing or disregarding them (that is if they do not run you away first!).

I have found that creating this safe space to be a very nerve-wrecking and time-consuming task (especially if the distance you need to set in place will alienate or isolate you from your best friend or the very thing that has given you a sense of meaning or joy in life). It is not easy to create a safety plan or exit, nor is it comfortable to set boundaries with people who will probably get angry with those boundaries. We must expect the addict to be angry with our boundaries, and there are many stops and restarts before we succeed at creating the safe space that we need to engage a person who is active in addiction – but it is what we have to go through if we are to overcome the pain inflicted by those who are perhaps not truly aware of the impact of their words or actions.

As one of my recovery partners once said: “It is almost impossible to love a person who struggles with addiction.” I can attest that it is almost impossible to love an addict because most addicts lie, and thus engaging them is frustrating to say the least. Indeed, it is devastating and painful to be in relationship with a person who is active in addiction, and usually that means they will be lying to cover it up. On the one hand, I believe it is possible to love an addict, but it is also important to recognize when it is time to abandon ship to save ourselves and name the pain caused by addiction – this we must do if we are to heal. If oblivion or the habitual attempt to not feel is a such a significant aspect of addiction, then finding the courage to feel, which is one of the definitive marks of our humanity, is definitely part of the answer.

Thankfully, I have learned from so many that staying silent is one of the things that hurts me and the addict; being silent is not healthy because it can destroy us on the inside: science has shown us that it can literally lead to the body attacking itself with pain or disease (I recommend Dr. Gabor Mate in The Body Says No). Recently, a very abusive addict that I know asked me, “Are you still mad at me?” and I said no. But that was far from the truth. A few days later, I went back and admitted that not only was I angry at this person, what I really felt was rage. Of course, there was no response, but it was liberating for me to own up to my feelings, and on the other side of my anger, rage, loss and grief I found healing and that healing has kept me on the path to recovery, which has helped me to be true and patient with my own healing journey, especially in the face of super strong emotions, such as anger.

Fortunately, I want healing more than I want people in my life. I am committed to experiencing peace and acceptance with myself and my life’s choices, but it took me years to get to this point. I had to learn how to put myself before others and I am still working on it: sometimes I am not as successful as I want to be because I have been socialized to put the care of myself after the care of others, most women have been taught to do this in both personal and professional terms. I am at my best when I am mindful of my pain and do not run from it. My experiences with loving black men suffering with addiction have taught me to be aware and mindful of my pain, and how to not let their suffering consume me. Becoming mindful of strong emotions, a practice inspired by the teachings of the great Thich Nhat Hanh, has been a game-changer for me. I am very grateful for the Buddhist teachings that have taught me “how to handle strong emotions.”

Likewise, to face a powerful addiction, an addict must 1) learn how to put the care of him or herself above their addictions; 2) find new habits and a healthy, supportive social environment; 3) be courageous enough to feel their pain, and 4) stop using substances and behaviors to numb their pain.

Unfortunately, this does not happen as often as we might think it does. Many addicts are too weak in the face of their addictions because most do not know how to cope with the ups and downs of life without their addictions. Far too often this means that the addict will suffer debilitating consequences, even death that is accelerated and complicated by years and perhaps decades of self-abuse.

I sincerely wonder if those who actively remain in addiction ponder their own sense of purpose and being: do they think about how they will be remembered for who they are, or for what, if anything, will they leave behind when this life is over, besides a reputation of being drunk or high and therefore being destructive to themselves and others? Frankly, I do not think that most addicts find themselves in that kind of headspace very often: they are literally too out of their minds to reflect upon their own futures, for indeed, when addiction has control of a person, there is no one home.

Contrary to popular belief, drunks and addicts do not speak the truth when they are under the influence, for example, rather they speak the twisted language of the “committee” that has convened in their drunk minds and usually those voices are super careless and reckless. Rarely, do I trust anything that comes out of the the mouth of a person who is under the influence, and especially not if the person who is speaking gets most of their news or information from social media and unreliable sources (and that is most people these days), and definitely not if they are not doing anything to help themselves.

What my elder friend said truly resonated with me because when it is all said and done…when I have completed my life’s work, I too want to leave behind a legacy that I would be proud of. I want to be known as someone who stood up to false idols and addictions (however messy my standing up might have been). I want to be remembered as someone who contributed something meaningful to the world in which I live. I am very proud of this friend who has become an urban farmer and who gives the food away to the people in the neighboring community. As far as he is concerned, addiction did not have the last word and I truly celebrate that!.

To this day, however, there are people in my life that I love deeply who have chosen to stay active in addiction and, thus, they suffer greatly and they bring great suffering to themselves and to others. Consequently, I have had to distance myself from them, even when I did not want to, because I learned first-hand that they would harm me, even if they did not mean to do it. It is said that “hurt people, hurt people.” I still love the addicts in my life, but from a safe distance and with the help of recovery programs, most of which are online and free. So while I have lost people that I love to addiction to an extent, I have also gained people who are in recovery and who have helped me (based on personal experience) to navigate my own recovery from the impact of loving someone who is struggling with addiction. I believe that we can all address our addictions by: making healing a priority for ourselves; by mindful living, breathing and becoming aware but not consumed by strong emotions or feelings; and by replacing addictive habits and behaviors with healthy, courageous, and straightforward communication and responses (setting boundaries and delivering consequences like walking away) with those who cause us harm.

If you are struggling with the impact of someone else’s addiction, I recommend finding a group or confiding in someone who knows from experience what it is like to endure a relationship with an addict. Most of my friends who are not in recovery, some of whom I do not communicate with any longer, were not willing or able to let me develop or experience my own recovery or healing process. In a couple instances, I felt that they wanted me to respond to an addict in my life in their way and that was not going to happen. I felt silenced when that happened. Healing from addiction is messy and certainly it is imperfect, but I am the architect of my own recovery, and no one who is my friend should want or try to take that away from me. I am responsible for recovering myself.

We cannot leave meaningful things behind in this life if we let our addictions rule us, or if we stay active in our addictions. In addition, if we allow addiction to run our lives, then we will suffer and cause suffering to others. I do not want to do that. We must work daily at keeping our addictions or compulsions under control. Living sober must become a priority for us all (and please note that for me sobriety is not synonymous with abstinence).

So, how about you? What is your legacy, or how do you want to be remembered? What is the measure of your life beyond the earthly life that we know (and not in terms of children or grandchildren)? What is your legacy? What reputation are you creating for yourself in life? Given the toxicity of the world that we are living in, I believe these are very important questions; this world creates the conditions for addiction and it drives us all to soothe ourselves from the pain that we experience, but that is not an excuse to do nothing. If we are ever to experience transcendence and peace, I believe, we must rise above our addictions by recovering our true selves, which will empower us to live sober and free.

Please feel free to leave your answer in the comments section below. I look forward to your feedback.

© 2023 annalise fonza, Ph.D.

Updated 05/25/2024

A True Story of Addiction

One day as I shared a meal with a friend that I loved, my friend embraced me and told me how much they cared about me and kissed me goodbye.

Less than twenty-four hours later, as they were under the influence of their addictions, this same friend looked me in the face and said with no respect for my intelligence nor my feelings that they did not have anything to give to me; as if I meant nothing to them. It was the exact opposite of what they said to me the day before.

This is how painfully abusive – and narcissistic – that an addict can be: as in the very embodiment of the nineteenth century character Dr. Jekyll, Mr. Hyde. When the addict is in the grip of their addiction, the person you experience will probably depend on how far into the addictive drug or behavior they are in the moment.

Today, from the safe distance that their actions forced me to put in place, I can say that I do not hate the addict. Rather, I hate what addiction has done to a person who was once able to give me love, respect, and even affection. Indeed, the unnecessary losses and damage caused by addiction, for the addict and their loved ones, are very heartbreaking.

If you are like me, you may desperately want to help your friends or family who are troubled by addictions. I have learned, however, that the best thing to do is to hold space and be there for them when and if they manage to recover the best part of themselves because they deserve to be the architects of their own recovery, which will mean much more to them than I ever could.

Of course, we all need support and community around us, but every person struggling with addiction must be the architect of their own recovery.

© 2023 annalise fonza, Ph.D.

Updated 09/28/2023

If You Are a Star, Just Be Who You Are!

I know that this title sounds cliche-ish, and maybe even a little cheesy, but there is an important message that I would like to share. Besides, I have not written a blog in over a year. I have been missing this old familiar space. On the other hand, to be honest, there’s been so much going on that I haven’t had much to say. So much trouble in the world. It has literally taken my breath away.

Nevertheless, I recently recalled a memory of interviewing for a position, back in the late 90’s, for a position that would become one of my most memorable career choices. During the interview, one of the interviewees asked me about a statement made by one of my references. He said to me that my reference said that “One day Annalise will probably be a star.” He proceeded to ask me what my referee meant by that statement. Being the savvy person that I am (for such a slick interview question such as this) , I replied, “I’m not sure; you will have to ask my referee what he meant.”

Subconsciously, however, I knew the answer to his question. And what I knew then, as I know now, was this: I am a star. I am a star, I am a star, I am a star. And, because I am a star, I shine, brightly. It is what I do no matter where I go. As the saying goes, I literally let my little light shine. I light up a room, and I bring light to whatever I am doing. I used to be afraid to say it; shucks, it is probably more like I used to be afraid to mean it. But not anymore. I have learned to know myself as a star, and, most importantly, I have learned to embrace my natural “star” power ⭐.

If you are star, like me, continue to shine brightly. Shine as bright as you can until you can shine no more….or, of course, until you EXPLODE!!! You’re not obligated to explain to others who you are, especially if you know they would not or could not appreciate or respect it. Rather, just keep on being who you are, and in time you and everyone else will come to the realization of how amazing you absolutely, positively are.

© 2021 annalise fonza, Ph.D. – updated 01/23/2023

The Pain of the Past

If you let the pain of your past define and control your present, it will affect the breadth and depth of your future.

Failure to address (and thus respect) any prolonged pain – bodily or emotional – can have devastating consequences. Eventually, if you do not acknowledge and/or release your pain, it can make you sick, angry, abusive, or cause you to isolate and numb yourself to the point that you might lose everything and everyone that is important to you.

Worst of all, holding on to an emotionally painful past can make you lose sight of who you are. It can make you believe that you are something or someone that you are not.

You have the power to let go of the pain from your past. Use it to name it, feel it, release it, and watch the pain of the past slowly but surely fade away.

© 2020 annalise fonza, Ph.D.

Post updated 10/4/2020