About the Meaning of Sexual Harassment

If you don’t know what constitutes sexual harassment

It is probably because you never really had to know,

Until now.

Sadly, some of us had to know the meaning of sexual harassment before we even knew what it meant to be a sexual human being.

© 2017 annalise fonza, Ph.D.

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We Black Women: Seen, Heard, and Beautiful!

WE BLACK WOMEN

We black women are

Mamas, sisters, friends, lovers, teachers, warriors, and sometimes enemies of those who hate us and who want to exploit and use us, mostly for sex and company,

We black women have stood strong and proud in the face of hate and rejection by those who do not see us, who do not love us,

Because of their own pain and their own fears.

But we black women

 

We are like Maya Angelou

And Fannie Lou Hamer

And Nina Simone

And Angela Davis

And Elaine Brown

And Billie Holiday

And Alice Walker

And Abbey Lincoln

And Shirley Horn

And Bessie Smith

And June Jordan

And Marimba Ani

And Toni Morrison

And Anita Hill

And bell hooks

And many, many more black women – like my own mother and sister.

We are black, and we are women

We have changed our worlds and this world for the better and the world sees us and knows what we have done.

The world knows who we are.

 

Not all black women do good, not all black women are good

There are some black women have done irreparable harm to their children and to their families,

But most of all they have abandoned themselves.

There are black women who have given up on living their own lives

Maybe they did and do not know how to live for themselves

Maybe the fear of life and others has overcome and overpowered them

Maybe they have believed what others said about them, so therefore they lived the lies of others.

 

But there are many of us, black women, who have turned other peoples’ lies upside down

We black women have told and written our own stories

We black women are remembered as the authors and finishers of our own fates

And, we black women have survived the unthinkable, the unimaginable when we could have been dead and gone.

 

We black women.

 

We black.

We black.

We black.

And, we women.

We women.

We women.

We women.

We black women are proudly black and we will be seen, heard, for indeed, we are very, very beautiful.

© 2017 annalise fonza, Ph.D.

Making it Hard for Ourselves: the Politics of Resistance

Recently, a man that I know – a  black man who alleges that he loves me – had this to say to me from out of the blue (and over text):

You make it hard on yourself because you choose to be [publicly] an atheist and a womanist…it just seems like “you black women” want to struggle.

What he did not know, or realize, was that the most powerful people on planet Earth are the ones who dare to resist the abuse and terror of white-dominated institutions and any misogynistic behavior, when to do so would go against the grain, or the norm; and when  to do so might make life “hard” for them.

I am so very grateful for the people and the institutions who struggled against injustice and risked their lives and what they had to make the world that we know a better place for all. Indeed, there is no better sacrifice, than to lay down one’s life for a friend, and for others…when you don’t have to. Deep down, I think the greatest people in the world knew that their struggles (the ones they did not have to take on) would enrich and sustain the lives of others.

A person or institution who only uses his power when it is acceptable or popular or safe is not powerful. He is a conformist, and he is afraid. This is a man who does very little, if anything, for anyone besides himself or his immediate family members; and, unfortunately, there are many like him. I’m sure you know some; the ones who sit back (from behind their masks) and criticize those who are willing to stand up and take the risks that they feel are necessary. That criticism is a projection of their feelings of inadequacy and fear, and it has no power to stop anyone from being who they want to be in life, even though it is meant to intimidate to bully, and to shame others, which is a reflection of the shame that they feel about themselves and their actions and inactions.

I am very proud to identify myself, in public, as an atheist and as a womanist; and this even more so every day, because in the the name of so-called gods, men and religion have torn this world apart, as well as the beings who live on it. Men and religion have predominantly been the ones to bring violence and destruction to the Earth and its inhabitants.

As for the man who said those words to me – you make it hard on yourself – he never really got me, and he probably never will, and that is okay. Because if standing up for myself, and for others, is seen as “making it hard on myself,” then so be it, for it is something that I hope I have the wherewithal to do until the day that I die.

Because the struggle is life and the struggle will continue.

© 2017 annalise fonza, Ph.D.

Misogyny: A Definition

Anger and hate from the past destroy relationships of the present

Because everyone else is to blame but the one who numbs and denies his pain from women who are dead and gone, no longer a part of his life or able to hurt him

He fills his mind and body with angry and hateful messages spoken by angry, hateful, incredulous others who make women their loyal servants and concubines

Some of the women he hurts manage to go on to the future and recover from his hatefulness and angry acts

While he stays painfully and tragically stuck in the past, haunted by the women who undoubtedly hurt him

He is bound to be angry and hateful again

He will hurt other women again

To subconsciously make them pay for the hurt he endured in the past

And this he thinks this is normal or even acceptable

Worthy of of his own life – that he is willing to sacrifice to the ones who didn’t have the capacity or the courage to love him so very, very long ago.

When with conscious, thoughtful work and support, he could be free to love himself and others, without destroying his own hopes of happiness and those of others along the way.

Instead of unfortunately believing, due to his own angry and hateful actions, that he will never find the happinesses and peace he so desperately desires. 

© 2017 annalise fonza, Ph.D.

There is No Such Thing as Emotional Abuse, Right?

Once, I knew a man who threw me out of his house when I said to him that there is such a thing known as emotional abuse.

In response to my assertion he turned and yelled at me, “THERE IS NO SUCH THING AS EMOTIONAL ABUSE.” And then, from out of what seemed like nowhere, in a fit of rage, in an effort to reject the truth of what I had said, he told me to pack my things and leave.

The next day, he texted me and told me that he was sorry and that he loved me.

And it was in that experience that I learned, first-hand, that emotional abuse really does exist. And so did he.

© 2017 annalise fonza, Ph.D.

 

What Your Questions Have to Say About You

Every now and then I am asked, by men, if other men are intimidated by me (usually because of my educational background).

That question always let’s me know what a man thinks of himself and his intelligence (and the intelligence of other men for that matter).

It is a question that has more to say about the one asking it (and his self-esteem) than it does about me.

If a man is afraid or ambivalent about being with me because of my education then he probably does not feel comfortable (or worthy) with any woman who has more education than he for any reason.

If you are intimidated with a woman who is smarter than you, then stay with what you know. Don’t try to be with women that you have no intentions of trying to understand and respect. If you are uncomfortable around smart, educated women, well, er, then those women are not the ones for you. Stay in your lane. Be with the ones with whom you feel most comfortable. Choose partners that you feel equal to in intellect, abilities and experiences. 

Funny how sometimes the questions we ask reveal what we really believe about ourselves, and others. And, what we believe about ourselves, deep-down, is what will inform our most lasting and significant choices in life.

© 2017 annalise fonza, Ph.D.