Tag Archives: womanish

Selfishness is Not the Same as Self-Love

Unfortunately, there are people in this world who do not show genuine or heartfelt concern for anybody else but themselves. In addition, with the increasing popularity of devices and products that promote narcissistic behaviors, selfishness is on the rise. It is pretty sad, but true: human beings are becoming more and more insular and selfish, and selfish people live their lives as if no one else matters but them, as if they and their issues are the only ones that have any importance. I have learned, first-hand, that selfish people do not know how to be empathetic; they act as if their needs and wants are the only ones with any real value. So often, they want what they are not able or willing to give, and, therefore, they come across as “takers” not givers.

Perhaps it is possible that they simply do not know how to be present for others, but on their own, selfish people rarely take the time to learn how to do for others, although sometimes they pretend that they are interested in other peoples’ problems. By and large, they do not even try to become better, more giving people, and the bad part about it is that their behavior is so widespread and prevalent that selfish, narcissistic people are overwhelmingly tolerated, and sometimes they are even revered or rewarded by society in general (in recent years, I can think of one such person, for example, who actually occupied one of the highest positions in American government, and maybe even the world). On the other hand, that they are tolerated, or even revered, does not make it right. There are a lot of very unfortunate and regrettable things (and people) that are tolerated by our American, Western society, which only goes to show us that we humans do not always get it right. In fact, there are times when we get it terribly wrong.

Not surprisingly, most of what a selfish person says and does for others is self-serving and done for some ultimate personal, social or financial benefit; like children they have a me-me-me approach to life in general (e.g., arrested development). Sadly, a lot of the negative things that have happened to selfish people are of their own doing; they often bring more than their share of pain and suffering in life upon themselves – and others – because they exhibit awfully narcissistic behaviors, and narcissists are not good people to be around because they intentionally manipulate and hurt people.

Some of the selfish people that I have known personally have tried to claim, absurdly, that their behavior is synonymous with self-love. For instance, one selfish person that I know would frequently claim -about themselves- “I love me some me.” But, in other moments, this same person would make self-deprecating comments about what they deserved, or not. Their concept of what they expected to get from others and out of life was embedded in punishment and guilt, which they believed was deserved. On more than one occasion, for example, the same person said to me -about themselves- that “I am not s***.” Of course, this statement told me everything that I needed to know about this person, although at the time they spoke it I did not want to believe it. I did not want to fathom that a person that I cared about could feel this poorly about themselves: deep-down, they believed that did not deserve good things and good people in their life and this saddened me, and I could see that the deep-seated and self-loathing thoughts that they expressed about themselves informed their choices.

It is our actions, not words, that articulate what we truly believe about ourselves and the world around us. Personally, I once knew another selfish person who claimed to love themselves, but they frequently made very dangerous, unhealthy choices, and they spent lots of money and time acquiring material things and “trophy-like people” to gain external validation and attention. They sabotaged many of the good and important opportunities (and good people) that came their way – such as not going on to further their education because, in their own words, they spent all their time “in the trap house.” On the one hand, this person secured a good full-time job with great job security, but hanging out in the streets or being seen as “street credible” by those who lived and died by the streets was central to their identity. As you know, the streets can be very cruel. As a result, their overall outlook upon life and life’s challenges was quite dark and cruel. It was very sad to me when I had to come to this hard reality about my so-called friend.

In addition, they would often put their own body in harm’s way just to be seen, heard, and touched. They did this, for example, by engaging in very risky sexual encounters and ignoring the threat of their own physical or medical needs brought on by the excessive use of addictive substances and behaviors. For a long time I tried to go along with their “I love me some me” storyline, but eventually, I could not deny what I was seeing: they did not love themselves. On the contrary, they harmed themselves in darn near every way imaginable. No one who loves themselves knowingly and repeatedly puts their own bodily and mental health in reckless peril.

Another thing selfish people do is twist reality. For example, I observed a selfish person isolate themselves emotionally in busy social settings on a daily basis and then claim to be an introvert. I thought, either they did not know the meaning of the word “introvert,” they were up to no good, or maybe they wanted people to feel sorry for them. Most adults know that introverts tend to run towards quiet and solitude. Extraverts are the ones who surround themselves with crowds and people; an introvert would rather be alone. True introverts do not seek out crowds (or people) and then claim to be introverted. The more that I heard this person claim to be an introvert, the more I wondered what they were up to because there is absolutely no way that an introvert would seek to be in a social setting every day. That is what an extrovert would do.

My encounters with selfish (and destructive) people have taught me that anyone who has to repeatedly claim that they love themselves with the phrase “I love me some me” is a walking, breathing red flag. It took me a minute to realize, but thankfully the blinders fell off, that such over-the-top claims to “love me some me” were simply not true. Perhaps (at best) they were unconscious cries for help because as the old adage says, actions speak louder than words. No matter what someone says, their actions will always show you who they are.

Whenever a person avoids taking good care of themselves – to the point that they will knowingly put themselves in harm’s way – it is not even close to self-love or loving self: it is self-abuse. Furthermore, avoiding or ignoring others does not necessarily have anything to do with loving one’s self either, it just makes that person a terribly self-centered person who does not care about others’ feelings and a person who specializes in ruining their own future chances at being valued and loved by others, unless they need someone or something like money, food, sex, or a place to stay. At that point, a selfish person will wear the mask and lie to get what they want, but the facade typically does not last for very long. The mask always comes off, and the lie of that mask will expose them. Just wait.

Finally, here is the thing: when a person is generally good at loving themselves they will be genuinely good at loving others, because loving ourselves is inextricably bound up with learning how to love, trust, and respect others. What I am saying is that the ability to love others comes naturally when we are able to do it first – and best – for ourselves. On the flipside, if a person fails to love themselves or to show up for themselves, no matter how much they claim to love themselves and for whatever the reason, it is absolutely impossible for them to genuinely love or be there for anybody else. Before we humans can genuinely love others, the love of self must always come first. Therefore, if we do not love ourselves, we cannot genuinely love anybody else.

© 2023 annalise fonza, Ph.D.

Updated 02/24/2024

On the Spelling of My Name and the Seeds of Change

I have been spelling my name in lowercase letters for at least a decade; come to think about it, it has probably been closer to two decades than it is to one. All these years, embracing the spelling of my name has been my signature, my trademark. Looking back, I was first inspired to modify the spelling and thus the visualization of my name on papers and publications to lowercase letters because of bell hooks. Her critical thoughts and writings on feminism, love, men, power and many other issues had such a profound impact upon me that I decided to put my newly recognized consciousness out in public – and as a passive but powerful way of identifying with feminism as a way of thinking and being. At the time, I must admit, I really did not realize the power of what I was doing.

Recently, I was “advised” by someone associated with an academic organization that I needed to use the uppercase A and the uppercase F if I anticipated my name being publicized or in print. This directive, made by a white woman (who I knew formerly and casually) did not sit well with me. And that it came via email didn’t help matters either. Initially, I thought, was this advice or a threat? I wondered why she felt the need to tell me what to do with my own name. And, I wondered what was coming next. Maybe, I imagined, she would feel familiar or superior enough to me to tell me what to wear or where to sit. Since she knew of me from academic circles, it baffled me that she needed or wanted to tell me what to do with my own name; as if somehow she thought that I did not know. Of course, I responded to her just as boldly and confidently as she came to me, but I also thought that perhaps it is time for a blog on the spelling of my name, just in case others were having similar thoughts or urges.

First, the spelling of my name is mine, all mine. I don’t expect others to use lowercase letters to spell my name. But, every chance that I get to control the look (and feel) of my name, I use lowercase letters. One of the first public experiences that I had with this was in Springfield, Massachusetts. I had just given a lecture at what is now the Lyman and Merrie Wood Museum of Springfield History and a local newspaper reporter asked me how to spell my name. In addition to getting the spelling correct, I also asked if the “A” and the “F” could be written in lowercase. Much to my surprise, and at least for that particular local journalist, using lowercase letters was not a problem, and so he published it as I requested. Seeing my name published in the local newspaper the next day in lowercase letters was very important and very powerful. It was an affirmation of my own identity, and it was a declaration, one that let other people know – in a very public or political way – that the spelling of my name was and is ultimately up to me.

Aside from the”bell hooksian” influence on the spelling of my name, there are a few reasons that I have continued to spell my name in lowercase letters. The first is that spelling my name in lowercase letter is a visual reminder to me of all the seemingly insignificant things that I did in life to get to where I am today. By no means do I think that I have done all that I can do, but I have accomplished a lot. I have also had the awesome privilege of traveling alone in and out of this country and taking charge of my own future or destiny. Sometimes, when I look back at those little things, including the places where I lived or worked, I am blown away. I have been through many ups, downs, stops and starts, and, of course, I did not get there all alone, but seeing my name in smallcase letters always brings me to a deeper appreciation  of my life’s journey and of the power that I have because of that journey.

Another reason that I spell my name in lowercase letters is related to the connection between the personal and the political. The more that I spelled my name in lowercase letters in print, the more that I was asked about the spelling of my name. Who knew that such a small thing could have such an impact! Consequently, the (re)spelling of my name brought me to the realization that even the smallest change to the social order of things or the status quo is always noticed. Indeed, I know how to construct a grammatically correct sentence. I know that breaking the rules with the spelling my name in all lowercase letters will be seen by many as incorrect, improper, and perhaps, need I say, DISOBEDIENT! And that is it precisely. Spelling my name in lowercase letters is a type of stand or attitude; it is a personal manifesto that speaks to popular thinking about women and identity. Spelling my name the way that I want to spell it is simply a way of accepting and loving myself. But, it is also my way of letting people know that I am not a follower, although I am totally capable of collaborating with others on various projects and programs. I don’t always need to be out front and in charge, but I have always been a leader. I have always been womanish in attitude and expression, or, as Alice Walker says about womanism; a womanist is “serious and in charge!” Others may disagree with me or reject the spelling that I give my name, and they may make it “proper” for personal or institutional purposes, but at the end of the day, I am in charge of my life, my actions, my body, and, of course, I am in charge of saying or determining who I am. How I spell my name is up to me, alone. Yes, it may seem like such a small or unnecessary thing to say, but control over my name, the power to name myself and thus to know myself is a powerful freedom, and I take that freedom very seriously, just as other black women, like Audre Lorde, have done without shame and without apology.

Most people don’t break the rules. We live in a society where conformity is the name of the game. People keep the peace; on the job and beyond, they often engage in groupthink and peacemaking. Even with all that women and men have been through, especially black women, by and large, people don’t “rock the boat.” Spelling my name in lowercase letters is a passive yet strong way of saying that I am not afraid to break the rules. I am not afraid to walk down a new path if necessary. When I look at people who cling to the rules without a willingness to question them or perhaps change them, I see followers. This is both sad and disappointing situation because a great many of the rules, laws and practices that govern us actually need to be changed or broken. Many of the rules that dictate our living and our being, at the least, need to be challenged, or at least questioned. When people express a desire to control how I spell my name, it lets me know that they are probably not willing to make a change, not even in the small matters of their own lives. And, if they are not willing to start with changing self, I doubt very seriously if they will be willing to challenge the order of things when it comes to bigger matters, such as sexism, such as racism, such as heterosexism. When people do not model change or plant the seeds of change when it comes to their own affairs, it is doubtful that they will do it for others.

I should not have to say this, but one of the things that the world  desperately needs is people who really are willing to be the agents of change. The world needs bold, brave change agents, not the so-called change agents or change makers who merely appropriate the rhetoric or talk of change during election season in order to get votes. Today, many are appropriating the word “change-agent” or “change-maker,” but there is little doubt in my mind that many of those very same people would also be the first ones to tell me or others to “go along to get along” if they could. If they could get away with it, I believe they would tell me and others – the ones they may attempt to control –  to know and stay “in our “place.” Yet, the place they want others to stay in is often the place that makes them comfortable or secure in life. And, what they tell others to do is often a reflection of their own self-esteem or self-image: stuck.

By contrast, I don’t require others to spell my name in lowercase letters, but I don’t let others tell me what to do or how to spell my name so that they will feel better about themselves or what it says about their day to day choices. Fortunately, we live in a country that allegedly values “the freedom of speech.” And, that freedom applies to the spelling of one’s name. I feel free to model that freedom to name myself in my personal and in my public life, which are very interconnected. In the (re)spelling of my name I also model what it means to be in control and accountable for who I am.

Last month I watched the politicians and pundits claim to be the agents or makers of change. Yet, I don’t see how they are much different from who or what has gone before them. To be an agent of change you’ve got to be willing to change yourself. If you are not willing to change, if you don’t know the power of changing things on your own, how in the world can you expect or require change from anybody else? And, if you are quick to tell others where to go, what to do and what to do when they get there, then I doubt that you will allow yourself to get out of place for a worthy cause (and perhaps not even for an unworthy cause). These days, there’s a whole lot of talk about change, but that talk is often just what it is: talk.

Oh how I wish that more people would be willing to break the rules and get out of the places that people and society have constructed for them to be. I long to see people who lead and from a place inside of them that is authentic and thus political (or socially responsible). Donald Trump, for example, is the antithesis of authenticity and accountability. He uses the rhetoric of change yet promotes the ideas and nostalgia of a troubled American past. What former greatness does he want to revive or replicate? Yes, there were times in my past that I was pretty good, but the person that I have become today is much better, stronger and confident. There is actually no part of my past to which I would like to return. Indeed, I look back and I learn, but life is moving forward, not backward. My being who I am today is based on my ability to grow and  learn from my past mistakes and successes; yearning for something that I once did, for the person I once was, or for the life I once experienced would indicate to me that there is some preoccupation or unfinished business that I have with regard to my past. Perhaps, in some weird, twisted kind-of-way those who want to go back and revive the past, like Trump and his followers, really are preoccupied by something that is back there. Clearly, for better or for worse, they have some preoccupation or attachment to the persons, places or things of the past that they remember. Maybe they want to fix something that was broken in the past; or, perhaps they want to repair some damage that was done in the past, or maybe they have regrets. As far as I am concerned, I cannot fix the past; no one can. But, what I do with the present and what happens in the future depends on my ability to interpret the past accurately and then to plant the seeds of change that will bring forth powerful and better futures.

To the would-be and rising change agents out there, I must say that you cannot bring forth better futures if you keep looking back, longing for what was once there. To feel the power of change, to be a powerful agent of change, you have to be willing to break  the rules, to cross lines and usually that means you will be in the minority and perhaps alone. Don’t be fooled by those who merely talk about change, because to be a  true change-agent or a change-maker you’ve got to be willing to be in a new place, not the old. Indeed, it is not easy being in a new place, or being in the minority. But please know that today, more than ever, if we are going to create powerful and better futures, we desperately need those who are bold enough and brave enough to spell their own names.

© 2016 annalise fonza, Ph.D.