Unfortunately, there are people in this world who do not show genuine or heartfelt concern for anybody else but themselves. In addition, with the increasing popularity of devices and products that promote narcissistic behaviors, selfishness is on the rise. It is pretty sad, but true: human beings are becoming more and more insular and selfish, and selfish people live their lives as if no one else matters but them, as if they and their issues are the only ones that have any importance. I have learned, first-hand, that selfish people do not know how to be empathetic; they act as if their needs and wants are the only ones with any real value. So often, they want what they are not able or willing to give, and, therefore, they come across as “takers” not givers.

Perhaps it is possible that they simply do not know how to be present for others, but on their own, selfish people rarely take the time to learn how to do for others, although sometimes they pretend that they are interested in other peoples’ problems. By and large, they do not even try to become better, more giving people, and the bad part about it is that their behavior is so widespread and prevalent that selfish, narcissistic people are overwhelmingly tolerated, and sometimes they are even revered or rewarded by society in general (in recent years, I can think of one such person, for example, who actually occupied one of the highest positions in American government, and maybe even the world). On the other hand, that they are tolerated, or even revered, does not make it right. There are a lot of very unfortunate and regrettable things (and people) that are tolerated by our American, Western society, which only goes to show us that we humans do not always get it right. In fact, there are times when we get it terribly wrong.

Not surprisingly, most of what a selfish person says and does for others is self-serving and done for some ultimate personal, social or financial benefit; like children they have a me-me-me approach to life in general (e.g., arrested development). Sadly, a lot of the negative things that have happened to selfish people are of their own doing; they often bring more than their share of pain and suffering in life upon themselves – and others – because they exhibit awfully narcissistic behaviors, and narcissists are not good people to be around because they intentionally manipulate and hurt people.

Some of the selfish people that I have known personally have tried to claim, absurdly, that their behavior is synonymous with self-love. For instance, one selfish person that I know would frequently claim -about themselves- “I love me some me.” But, in other moments, this same person would make self-deprecating comments about what they deserved, or not. Their concept of what they expected to get from others and out of life was embedded in punishment and guilt, which they believed was deserved. On more than one occasion, for example, the same person said to me -about themselves- that “I am not s***.” Of course, this statement told me everything that I needed to know about this person, although at the time they spoke it I did not want to believe it. I did not want to fathom that a person that I cared about could feel this poorly about themselves: deep-down, they believed that did not deserve good things and good people in their life and this saddened me, and I could see that the deep-seated and self-loathing thoughts that they expressed about themselves informed their choices.

It is our actions, not words, that articulate what we truly believe about ourselves and the world around us. Personally, I once knew another selfish person who claimed to love themselves, but they frequently made very dangerous, unhealthy choices, and they spent lots of money and time acquiring material things and “trophy-like people” to gain external validation and attention. They sabotaged many of the good and important opportunities (and good people) that came their way – such as not going on to further their education because, in their own words, they spent all their time “in the trap house.” On the one hand, this person secured a good full-time job with great job security, but hanging out in the streets or being seen as “street credible” by those who lived and died by the streets was central to their identity. As you know, the streets can be very cruel. As a result, their overall outlook upon life and life’s challenges was quite dark and cruel. It was very sad to me when I had to come to this hard reality about my so-called friend.

In addition, they would often put their own body in harm’s way just to be seen, heard, and touched. They did this, for example, by engaging in very risky sexual encounters and ignoring the threat of their own physical or medical needs brought on by the excessive use of addictive substances and behaviors. For a long time I tried to go along with their “I love me some me” storyline, but eventually, I could not deny what I was seeing: they did not love themselves. On the contrary, they harmed themselves in darn near every way imaginable. No one who loves themselves knowingly and repeatedly puts their own bodily and mental health in reckless peril.

Another thing selfish people do is twist reality. For example, I observed a selfish person isolate themselves emotionally in busy social settings on a daily basis and then claim to be an introvert. I thought, either they did not know the meaning of the word “introvert,” they were up to no good, or maybe they wanted people to feel sorry for them. Most adults know that introverts tend to run towards quiet and solitude. Extraverts are the ones who surround themselves with crowds and people; an introvert would rather be alone. True introverts do not seek out crowds (or people) and then claim to be introverted. The more that I heard this person claim to be an introvert, the more I wondered what they were up to because there is absolutely no way that an introvert would seek to be in a social setting every day. That is what an extrovert would do.

My encounters with selfish (and destructive) people have taught me that anyone who has to repeatedly claim that they love themselves with the phrase “I love me some me” is a walking, breathing red flag. It took me a minute to realize, but thankfully the blinders fell off, that such over-the-top claims to “love me some me” were simply not true. Perhaps (at best) they were unconscious cries for help because as the old adage says, actions speak louder than words. No matter what someone says, their actions will always show you who they are.

Whenever a person avoids taking good care of themselves – to the point that they will knowingly put themselves in harm’s way – it is not even close to self-love or loving self: it is self-abuse. Furthermore, avoiding or ignoring others does not necessarily have anything to do with loving one’s self either, it just makes that person a terribly self-centered person who does not care about others’ feelings and a person who specializes in ruining their own future chances at being valued and loved by others, unless they need someone or something like money, food, sex, or a place to stay. At that point, a selfish person will wear the mask and lie to get what they want, but the facade typically does not last for very long. The mask always comes off, and the lie of that mask will expose them. Just wait.

Finally, here is the thing: when a person is generally good at loving themselves they will be genuinely good at loving others, because loving ourselves is inextricably bound up with learning how to love, trust, and respect others. What I am saying is that the ability to love others comes naturally when we are able to do it first – and best – for ourselves. On the flipside, if a person fails to love themselves or to show up for themselves, no matter how much they claim to love themselves and for whatever the reason, it is absolutely impossible for them to genuinely love or be there for anybody else. Before we humans can genuinely love others, the love of self must always come first. Therefore, if we do not love ourselves, we cannot genuinely love anybody else.

© 2023 annalise fonza, Ph.D.

Updated 02/24/2024