I learned how to walk away from troubled and abusive people in my life:

1) When the abuser chose to repeatedly lie, deceive and destroy the trust that we built and treasured,

2) When they claimed to be the victim of my actions (falsely alleging that I hurt their feelings) after they left me with no other option but to run away in order to protect myself (and all I have worked for) from their selfish actions, addictive behaviors and poor decisions,

3) When the person who abused me emotionally was a victim of abuse and emotional neglect as a child and (to this day) has chosen not to address their own woundedness with a mental health professional, although they have the means to do so,

4) When it dawned on me that the abandonment that I experienced from my abuser was a reenactment of the abandonment and abuse that they experienced in childhood, adolescence and, yes, even in adulthood,

5) When I had no other choice but to leave and thus stand up for the truth when my abuser cowardly made every attempt to barrage me with empty promises, meaningless excuses, and blatant omissions of truth,

6) When my abuser denied and refused to acknowledge the awful things they had done, claimed to be totally clueless about what they had done, and thus totally failed to be accountable for the emotional pain that they caused with their hateful actions, thoughts, and words,

7) And, when it became impossible to offer anything of value to them, especially my person, as it became apparent to me that the abuser would sabotage all the good that we worked for in our relationship with poor decision making, childish-narcissistic thinking, and addictive behaviors.

Indeed, in response to their traumatizing and terrifying behaviors, I could have become like an enemy or a ninja warrior to them, or I could have exposed them to others – even to law enforcement. Worse yet, I could have become just like my abuser, and just like their abusers whom they chose to emulate. But, without any doubt, walking away – which was made possible by standing up for myself and unapologetically in my truth – was the very best way to say ‘enough is enough‘: the number one way – in my book – to break the abusive cycle and get on with my amazing little life – because I do not have time to waste.

I believe that there are times when more drastic responses to abuse are appropriate (such as calling the police and filing charges), but there are times when it is enough to use our feet and our absence to say ABSOLUTELY NOT to those who intend to hurt us and then play the victim.

Freeing one’s self from an abusive, controlling, narcissistic person is a powerful act of self-expression and it requires courage: in the end it sends a bold message to the abuser that they did not have the control over you that they thought they had.

For those who choose to stay on the path of deceit, hate, and destruction, I need not to worry nor do I need to act for the purpose of revenge. They will inevitably do more harm to themselves than I or anyone else could ever do. On the one hand, hurt people, hurt people, and that is a horrible shame. Yet, most of all, hurt people hurt themselves because they abuse themselves by blocking themselves from being loved and cared for by healthy, well-meaning people. If they do not seek help to do something healthy to stop their pain, hurt people become their own worst enemies and eventually they might even self-destruct.

Finally, I have learned that hurt people who intentionally harm others tend to believe that they should get away with hurting people, perhaps because the people who hurt them got away with it. Unfortunately, that is not the way that it goes. Sometimes there are consequences to hurting people, and losing people is one of them.

© 2023 annalise fonza, Ph.D.

Updated 10/08/2023