Recovery from addiction has been a subject of my blogging for many years. My adult dating experiences have brought me into direct contact with men who have been gripped by addiction, which means that I too have been affected by addiction, notwithstanding my own shortcomings and addictions (informed by the groundbreaking work of Dr. Gabor Mate, I believe we all have addictions whether we acknowledge them or not).

Recently, I asked a dear friend who stopped drinking primarily for health reasons late in his sixties: “Besides health, what is the number one thing or idea that caused you to stop drinking?” His response was that he did not want his addiction to alcohol to be his legacy.

His answer truly resonated with me.

On the other hand, I still have other friends and loved ones who are deeply controlled and duped by addiction (and the consequences thereof). Everyone around them knows that they are in trouble, but often even they remain silent for fear of being hurt or hurting the feelings of the addict. Personally, however, the person who is struggling with addiction is oblivious to their addictive patterns, although it is obvious to others that they suffer from super destructive patterns and behaviors, which can include excessive working, exercising, smoking, gambling, eating, attention-getting behaviors (via social media and devices), shopping, and sexual activities (including masturbation and pornography) that cannot be managed or controlled, not by their own volition, by Jesus, nor by their “higher power” who is sometimes called “The Most High.”

I have spent more than two decades as a “recovering person” and have learned that it is one thing to have addictions – we all do; it is another to be controlled by them – and not all of us are controlled by our addictions. Those who are controlled by their addictions suffer devastating and embarrassing consequences, and they inevitably hurt, and sometimes destroy the people around them. The damage that addicts cause can be felt on many levels: physical, emotional, financial, sexual, social, etc., and everyone with whom they come into contact will be potentially affected.

The dictionary (Merriam-Webster) defines oblivion as “the state of being forgotten or a state of forgetting.” That is a good word for what happens to the addict: they use substances, people, and behaviors to forget whatever it is that causes them pain and to numb themselves; they do not want to think about or feel their pain. The oblivion of the addict coupled with the denial of their own suffering subsequently causes them to harm themselves and others, yet they usually do not seem to comprehend this either. Instead, their goal seems to be to cast themselves into the “sea of forgetfulness” with substances and behaviors that enable them to get stuck in oblivion. They do not want to feel.

Recently, I learned about the death of a man that I used to date – nearly two decades ago – who was formerly addicted to narcotics and alcohol. About a year ago, he experienced a death-blowing health event when he was just sixty years old and he did not recover. When we first started dating, he shared painful and troubling details of his childhood and how he used drugs to help him cope during his early and mid adulthood. He said that he tried Alcoholics Anonymous and Narcotics Anonymous, but he approached his recovery like an option versus a necessity, which is one of the reasons that I did not stay in relationship with him. I was not convinced that he truly wanted to recover from his traumatic past and his personal and social environment was filled with easy access to addictive substances and behaviors. Proverbially, I could see the writing on the wall, and as much as I enjoyed his company and his person, I also knew that I would have been putting myself in danger if I stayed with him.

Unfortunately, being in such close proximity to the “familiar” in his social and spatial environment kept triggering him and calling him back to the same playground where he was not strong enough to stand up to his temptations, so he would go back to his addictions. Indeed, relapse is what happens when an addict stops using but they do not change their environment. This also happens when an addict does not replace the addictive habits and activities with healthy ones and surround themselves with healthy, supportive people. In other words, no one can go into the lion’s den without any armour and expect to come out unscathed. I was really saddened to learn of the premature death of the bright, supportive man that I once dated who seemed trapped in his addiction by his environment, but I was not surprised.

There is an old adage that says, if you want to recover from painful events and people in your life, you will also have to change “your playground and your playmates.” This adage rings true for the addict and those who love the addict. When we keep going back to the same people, places and things who are not good for us or who cause us pain, eventually we will be hurt again. Therefore, there are times when we may have to distance ourselves or completely walk away from these people, places, and things for our own good, especially if the boundaries that we have set in place do not work, or if the addict is constantly crossing or disregarding them (that is if they do not run you away first!).

I have found that creating this safe space to be a very nerve-wrecking and time-consuming task (especially if the distance you need to set in place will alienate or isolate you from your best friend or the very thing that has given you a sense of meaning or joy in life). It is not easy to create a safety plan or exit, nor is it comfortable to set boundaries with people who will probably get angry with those boundaries. We must expect the addict to be angry with our boundaries, and there are many stops and restarts before we succeed at creating the safe space that we need to engage a person who is active in addiction – but it is what we have to go through if we are to overcome the pain inflicted by those who are perhaps not truly aware of the impact of their words or actions.

As one of my recovery partners once said: “It is almost impossible to love a person who struggles with addiction.” I can attest that it is almost impossible to love an addict because most addicts lie, and thus engaging them is frustrating to say the least. Indeed, it is devastating and painful to be in relationship with a person who is active in addiction, and usually that means they will be lying to cover it up. On the one hand, I believe it is possible to love an addict, but it is also important to recognize when it is time to abandon ship to save ourselves and name the pain caused by addiction – this we must do if we are to heal. If oblivion or the habitual attempt to not feel is a such a significant aspect of addiction, then finding the courage to feel, which is one of the definitive marks of our humanity, is definitely part of the answer.

Thankfully, I have learned from so many that staying silent is one of the things that hurts me and the addict; being silent is not healthy because it can destroy us on the inside: science has shown us that it can literally lead to the body attacking itself with pain or disease (I recommend Dr. Gabor Mate in The Body Says No). Recently, a very abusive addict that I know asked me, “Are you still mad at me?” and I said no. But that was far from the truth. A few days later, I went back and admitted that not only was I angry at this person, what I really felt was rage. Of course, there was no response, but it was liberating for me to own up to my feelings, and on the other side of my anger, rage, loss and grief I found healing and that healing has kept me on the path to recovery, which has helped me to be true and patient with my own healing journey, especially in the face of super strong emotions, such as anger.

Fortunately, I want healing more than I want people in my life. I am committed to experiencing peace and acceptance with myself and my life’s choices, but it took me years to get to this point. I had to learn how to put myself before others and I am still working on it: sometimes I am not as successful as I want to be because I have been socialized to put the care of myself after the care of others, most women have been taught to do this in both personal and professional terms. I am at my best when I am mindful of my pain and do not run from it. My experiences with loving black men suffering with addiction have taught me to be aware and mindful of my pain, and how to not let their suffering consume me. Becoming mindful of strong emotions, a practice inspired by the teachings of the great Thich Nhat Hanh, has been a game-changer for me. I am very grateful for the Buddhist teachings that have taught me “how to handle strong emotions.”

Likewise, to face a powerful addiction, an addict must 1) learn how to put the care of him or herself above their addictions; 2) find new habits and a healthy, supportive social environment; 3) be courageous enough to feel their pain, and 4) stop using substances and behaviors to numb their pain.

Unfortunately, this does not happen as often as we might think it does. Many addicts are too weak in the face of their addictions because most do not know how to cope with the ups and downs of life without their addictions. Far too often this means that the addict will suffer debilitating consequences, even death that is accelerated and complicated by years and perhaps decades of self-abuse.

I sincerely wonder if those who actively remain in addiction ponder their own sense of purpose and being: do they think about how they will be remembered for who they are, or for what, if anything, will they leave behind when this life is over, besides a reputation of being drunk or high and therefore being destructive to themselves and others? Frankly, I do not think that most addicts find themselves in that kind of headspace very often: they are literally too out of their minds to reflect upon their own futures, for indeed, when addiction has control of a person, there is no one home.

Contrary to popular belief, drunks and addicts do not speak the truth when they are under the influence, for example, rather they speak the twisted language of the “committee” that has convened in their drunk minds and usually those voices are super careless and reckless. Rarely, do I trust anything that comes out of the the mouth of a person who is under the influence, and especially not if the person who is speaking gets most of their news or information from social media and unreliable sources (and that is most people these days), and definitely not if they are not doing anything to help themselves.

What my elder friend said truly resonated with me because when it is all said and done…when I have completed my life’s work, I too want to leave behind a legacy that I would be proud of. I want to be known as someone who stood up to false idols and addictions (however messy my standing up might have been). I want to be remembered as someone who contributed something meaningful to the world in which I live. I am very proud of this friend who has become an urban farmer and who gives the food away to the people in the neighboring community. As far as he is concerned, addiction did not have the last word and I truly celebrate that!.

To this day, however, there are people in my life that I love deeply who have chosen to stay active in addiction and, thus, they suffer greatly and they bring great suffering to themselves and to others. Consequently, I have had to distance myself from them, even when I did not want to, because I learned first-hand that they would harm me, even if they did not mean to do it. It is said that “hurt people, hurt people.” I still love the addicts in my life, but from a safe distance and with the help of recovery programs, most of which are online and free. So while I have lost people that I love to addiction to an extent, I have also gained people who are in recovery and who have helped me (based on personal experience) to navigate my own recovery from the impact of loving someone who is struggling with addiction. I believe that we can all address our addictions by: making healing a priority for ourselves; by mindful living, breathing and becoming aware but not consumed by strong emotions or feelings; and by replacing addictive habits and behaviors with healthy, courageous, and straightforward communication and responses (setting boundaries and delivering consequences like walking away) with those who cause us harm.

If you are struggling with the impact of someone else’s addiction, I recommend finding a group or confiding in someone who knows from experience what it is like to endure a relationship with an addict. Most of my friends who are not in recovery, some of whom I do not communicate with any longer, were not willing or able to let me develop or experience my own recovery or healing process. In a couple instances, I felt that they wanted me to respond to an addict in my life in their way and that was not going to happen. I felt silenced when that happened. Healing from addiction is messy and certainly it is imperfect, but I am the architect of my own recovery, and no one who is my friend should want or try to take that away from me. I am responsible for recovering myself.

We cannot leave meaningful things behind in this life if we let our addictions rule us, or if we stay active in our addictions. In addition, if we allow addiction to run our lives, then we will suffer and cause suffering to others. I do not want to do that. We must work daily at keeping our addictions or compulsions under control. Living sober must become a priority for us all (and please note that for me sobriety is not synonymous with abstinence).

So, how about you? What is your legacy, or how do you want to be remembered? What is the measure of your life beyond the earthly life that we know (and not in terms of children or grandchildren)? What is your legacy? What reputation are you creating for yourself in life? Given the toxicity of the world that we are living in, I believe these are very important questions; this world creates the conditions for addiction and it drives us all to soothe ourselves from the pain that we experience, but that is not an excuse to do nothing. If we are ever to experience transcendence and peace, I believe, we must rise above our addictions by recovering our true selves, which will empower us to live sober and free.

Please feel free to leave your answer in the comments section below. I look forward to your feedback.

© 2023 annalise fonza, Ph.D.

Updated 05/25/2024