One day as I shared a meal with a friend that I loved, my friend embraced me and told me how much they cared about me and kissed me goodbye.

Less than twenty-four hours later, as they were under the influence of their addictions, this same friend looked me in the face and said with no respect for my intelligence nor my feelings that they did not have anything to give to me; as if I meant nothing to them. It was the exact opposite of what they said to me the day before.

This is how painfully abusive – and narcissistic – that an addict can be: as in the very embodiment of the nineteenth century character Dr. Jekyll, Mr. Hyde. When the addict is in the grip of their addiction, the person you experience will probably depend on how far into the addictive drug or behavior they are in the moment.

Today, from the safe distance that their actions forced me to put in place, I can say that I do not hate the addict. Rather, I hate what addiction has done to a person who was once able to give me love, respect, and even affection. Indeed, the unnecessary losses and damage caused by addiction, for the addict and their loved ones, are very heartbreaking.

If you are like me, you may desperately want to help your friends or family who are troubled by addictions. I have learned, however, that the best thing to do is to hold space and be there for them when and if they manage to recover the best part of themselves because they deserve to be the architects of their own recovery, which will mean much more to them than I ever could.

Of course, we all need support and community around us, but every person struggling with addiction must be the architect of their own recovery.

© 2023 annalise fonza, Ph.D.

Updated 09/28/2023