In 2018, many of us watched as Bishop Charles Ellis touched Ariana Grande clearly without her consent, and other powerful men, twice her age, looked on, appeared too busy touching her in their minds to come to her rescue as she appeared uncomfortable and obviously trying to back away. In response to public outcry, Bishop Ellis offered an apology, but there are times when apologies don’t mean a damn thing, and not when someone has disrespected you and it has a double ripple effect.

In times like that, I know what will work because the “Queen of Soul,” Aretha Franklin taught us through her music. We can talk all day about what it is to be a queen, but to be a queen (or to live with a sense of pride and self-importance) is to behave or act like a queen. I believe that Ms. Franklin showed the world that there are times when a queen must DEMAND respect; without a doubt, there are times when women must muster the courage to stand up and respect themselves by being heard, whether it is popular or not.

In this world, where disrespect and hate, especially the hatred of women, also known as misogyny, are always lurking over us, there are moments when women MUST act, swiftly, powerfully, and make our voices heard. This is what some of us, who are brave, have done, time after time – yes, we women have done it. Historically, there have always been women who stood up boldly for themselves and others; they have raised their voices in word and deed. A true queen – a self-respecting woman – will stand up for herself and for her people, even when it is clear that the fight could be lost, or even when all the odds are against her. Because winning, or losing, is not the point, rather asserting our humanity, in spite of attempts to deny us this is often very necessary.

Whenever I stand up to someone, it is rarely about winning; rather it is always about making myself visible when someone has attempted to silence me, or make me invisible by asserting their power over me and depriving me of something that I am entitled to, such as the use of my own power, including the right to reject something or someone or their disrespecful behaviors, or the right to say no, the right to simply walk away from trauma or drama caused by someone else, or simply the right to be myself.

With her voice, the “Queen of Soul,” Aretha Franklin, courageously sang about how we women, and black women in particular, can make ourselves seen and heard; she taught us how to assert our humanity with our words and actions. She showed us, like so many other cultural ambassadors have done, like James Brown and many others, that in the face of blatant disrespect and mishandling, we must act.

Thus, to know respect, we must embrace it: say it, sing it, and most of all we must believe that we are worthy of respect. We must show and tell anyone in this world that respect is ours. It rightly belongs to us just as it belongs to men, and we deserve respect even if some dirty old you know who tries to diminish it, take it away from us, or act as if they are entitled to do whatever they want with us without consequences. Sometimes, it is imperative that we enable the consequences that those who have undeniably disrespected us have asked for.

I firmly believe that each of us has a duty to own and embrace the respect that we desire from others for ourselves, and sometimes, as Aretha Franklin once said, we must spell it out, R – E – S – P – E – C – T, because until we can embrace what respect actually means, for ourselves, as individuals, and collectively as women… ain’t nothing gonna change. If we do not stand up for ourselves we will get the same results we have been getting, which can be insane.

Therefore, when we articulate respect for ourselves, when we show our, friends, loved ones and even total strangers that we meet that it is their responsibility to “find out what it [respect] means” to us; when we make our boundaries clear and maintain those boundaries, when we stand up for ourselves and fight for ourselves and the dignity of our lives to be safe and at peace in our own kitchens,

In our bathrooms,
In our boardrooms,
In our bedrooms,
In our garages (thank you Marissa Alexander!),
In our conference rooms and classrooms,
In any of the rooms that we occupy, including courtrooms;

If we have anything to do with it, you better believe that there will be respect for the beautiful creatures that we are and much more than what we can do for others (especially as it pertains to the constant objectification and thus commodification of our bodies)!

For me, smack in the middle of my fifth decade, one that I proudly embrace because I have earned it and have done my best to live it to the fullest, I am convinced that when we refuse to accept the traumatic and violent unrequited advances that the world and others try to place on us in private AND in public; when we show respect for other brave women who have paved a way for us, such as Aretha, Ida, Maya, Harriet, Sojourner, bell, Octavia, Ava, and many women too many to mention, we affirm their courageous lives and we articulate the respect that we have for ourselves. Yes, sometimes showing respect for ourselves and thus showing up for ourselves comes with a heavy price, but it is always worth it.

Figuring this out was not easy, and certainly not when those disrespecting me were people who claimed to love and cherish me. Like many others, I had to learn for myself how to look past their words or even their intentions and insist upon actions that were respectful, in fact.

Today, if I had the opportunity to sit down with Ariana Grande and reflect on what happened to her in 2018 at the beautiful homegoing ceremony for Aretha Frankin, this is what I would say: My dear Ariana, you’ve got the mic and you’ve got the power. It is okay to use them as courageously as Aretha once did. Some of us are with you, but you must stand up for yourself. We cannot do it for you. But please remember, you are a celebrity, and this event happened for the world to see. Whatever you choose to do or not will show and teach us all how you expect to be respected, or not and that is what will be remembered.

© 2018 annalise fonza, Ph.D., MURP, M.Div., MPA

Updated 09/20/2024