About a month-and-a-half ago, I posted that my new book would be coming soon. However, due to the ever-changing (and serious) nature of the Coronavirus pandemic, and the recent and many stops and starts in my part of the world, it has taken me a little longer to package the book (and particularly since I am publishing it independently). However, I am getting there, and I am confident that I will finish it very soon.
In the meantime, more about the book: the first part of it will be about my personal recovery from relationships, co-dependence, and partner abuse. The second part of the book will feature my (very womanist) writings about relationship over the years. Several friends (and enemies) have urged me to write about my experiences with loss and love. I have never been married, and I have no children, so for my entire adult life, I have perfected my capacity for dating. Sometimes, I call myself a “professional” when it comes to dating (this does not mean that I have mastered it, but I have developed my dating skills and a language for it because I have practiced dating for a couple of decades or more). Indeed, when I look back, some of my experiences with dating and intimate relationships make me laugh, but that is not always the case. For example, the end of my most recent intimate relationship was very painful, to say the least. However, I have learned to acknowledge and accept that pain is an opportunity to learn more about myself and about the loved ones in my life. And, although ending that relationship was very difficult, I am proud to say that I have used my pain to heal and to learn.
That said, I cannot talk about my recovery from intimate relationships without also talking about the ever present issue of addiction, which has been a factor in every significant intimate relationship that I have had with a man (i.e., even in college, my first “real” boyfriend was troubled with drinking alcohol excessively). By addiction (which I understand from Dr. Gabor Maté), I mean any behavior that a person uses to soothe their pain and run away from themselves and their feelings; and to the point that it has negative consequences upon their lives and others; and, to the extent that it is something that they cannot control or stop, despite the consequences or the harm that it causes them and others. One of my former relationships ended, for example, when my partner refused to talk about his compulsion to masturbate along with his frequent use of pornography, which he often lied about. For the record, I do not condemn masturbating (in fact, I encourage it as a healthy form of self-awareness and fulfillment), and I am not necessarily against pornography or the use of it; however, I do think that these are subjects that are very important to intimate partners.
When two people are together in a committed relationship, yet one refuses to talk about the important subjects that are affecting their being together, it has the potential to shut down the communication, and maybe even end the relationship. Likewise, I walked away from that relationship because, at the time, my partner refused to acknowledge how important it was for me to be in conversation about a behavior that he was repeatedly lying about and hiding from me. Finally, when it came down to whether we would try again, he refused, again, to discuss the matter. And, as badly as I wanted to reconcile with him, everything in my body was telling me to let it go, because he wanted me to maintain his silence and what I believed to be a lie, e.g., that there was nothing to worry about. On the contrary, my gut was repeatedly telling me that there was something to worry about.
Thankfully, with the help of friends, I listened to myself and I honored my own feelings. However, it was an excruciatingly hard decision to make, because I wanted our relationship to last. It hurt me deeply when I had to lose him and let go of future plans that included him. But, if I did not let him go, I knew that my own health and sanity would be at risk. And, when a partner requires me to keep silent about important matters, or matters that are significant to me, it is, frankly, a deal-breaker. I was not willing to suppress my feelings or my voice so that he could feel more comfortable with himself and his compulsive behaviors, so I had to make a very, very difficult decision, and one that I did not want to make at that. Letting go was painful, but I had to choose to honor myself and my feelings, and that remains true to this day. I have two feet, and I used them to walk away from what I believed to be an emotionally disturbing situation. Daily, I must choose to honor and respect myself, and if that means walking away from someone that I care deeply about, then so be it. As an adult, I am ultimately responsible for myself, and I made a decision, a long time ago, to live a happy and healthy life. The same is true today: I refuse to let anyone take away my voice and my happiness because they are unwilling, or perhaps unable, to name and address their own issues.
That being said, I think it is very, very important for black women to talk and write about what we have encountered in our relationships, be they heterosexual relationships or not. There are a few black women writers, in the world of feminists and womanists, who have used their prominence, positions, and platforms to talk about what they have learned, personally, from intimate relationships, but, generally, academics do not write about themselves or their personal lives (although, this is ironic since many feminists and womanists proudly claim that “the personal is political”). I cannot tell you how important it was for me to read what black feminist, bell hooks, had to say about her own struggle with an abusive man in Wounds of Passion. Why are so many black women academics quiet on the subject of their own personal encounters with relationship? Especially when it comes to partner abuse? Well, in some cases I do not blame womanists for not wanting to write about the subject of relationship; and no black woman should feel obligated to share anything about her personal life. There is always a risk to talking about one’s self in public (especially when we might be perceived as victims or victimized). But, someone will always find something to criticize or to use against us when we write: always! I had to get past the fear of allowing someone’s criticism stop me from writing. Black women are quite capable of speaking up for ourselves; no one should speak for us, and, we deserve to be heard.
As for me, writing is something that I am compelled to do, and writing from my lived experience is a part of that (in personal and cultural terms). There are times when I hear whole phrases or paragraphs in my head; they come to me out of no where (and often when I am busy doing something else). I take this as a gift, and I do not take it for granted. I also know that when we are able to talk about our painful experiences, we heal. I once heard Dr. Joy DeGruy say, “It is our secrets that make us sick.” This too is a fact, as we now are learning more about the impact of childhood abuse and trauma upon our lives and the lives of our loved ones. All of us experience difficulty and pain in our intimate relationships; it is a part of loving another human being besides ourselves. Being in an abusive relationship is another story. No one is required to accept abuse, and, I refuse to knowingly be involved with an abusive man. I regret to say that many of the adult men that I have known intimately have been emotionally abusive. Of course, they would not say that about themselves, and I do not expect them to admit it just as I do not expect a racist to admit that he is, in fact, a racist. Yet, whether they admit it or not, we live ideologically, and in fact, in an overwhelmingly patriarchal (and racist) world that enables (and rewards) men, of every hue, color, and economic class to be abusive (and racist, and sexist, and heterosexist…you get my drift). OF COURSE, THEY WILL DENY IT!!! Our world is full of dishonest people, and, unfortunately, we know some of them, personally. But their denial will not stop those of us who are willing to be honest and courageous enough to tell the truth about ourselves and the emotional abuse we have endured. When I say emotional abuse, I am referring to those (usually men) who consciously and subconsciously hurt others (usually women and children) with actions and behaviors that negate and discard their emotions with psychological (lying, withholding, ghosting, etc.) and physically violent behaviors. We can label it narcissism, borderline, bipolar, antisocial, or whatever: abusive behavior is abusive behavior!
It is important to understand that almost always, emotional or psychological abuse is the precursor to physical abuse. In other words, emotional abuse is not to be taken lightly or to be played with. Don’t believe me? Just take a look at some of the comments on certain YouTube “channels” where black men, who claim to “love” black people and black culture openly spew hate for black women (a/k/a “misogyny”) in particular; and, their followers (predominantly black men) proudly post and brag about their sexual exploits and conquests. There, in plain view, you can see how the emotional abuse of women is repeatedly and aggressively articulated, re-enforced and supported by men who often simultaneously confess that they have been troubled by abusive pasts and traumas (you will also find this behavior articulated online by women who admit to having similar histories of abuse and childhood trauma). In addition, many who are doing this claim to be believers or followers of some religious or spiritual sect, yet they deliberately set out to cause harm to others and to themselves, which makes them such hypocrites of the beliefs they claim to hold. It is our actions that affirm our beliefs, not our words. And, it is sad to me that the same people who say they believe in a loving, forgiving god, commit acts of hate and greed dang near every day. That is truly a shame, and one of the reasons why I am an atheist: I do not follow or respect hypocrites, especially when they are deliberately harming others with their speech or their actions.
While it is true that those who do this were not responsible for the abuse that they endured from others, I believe they have a responsibility to address their issues and heal, because, if not, they are bound to harm and hurt others with painfully toxic behaviors that are associated with their previous abuse. And, the toxicity of their behaviors rarely have anything to do with the present moment. Whether on social media, or in person, if you are willing to stand back and listen mindfully to abusive people in your life, which is not an easy thing to do, you will see that their words and actions are full of suffering, and they will cause you to suffer…if you let them. Abuse is a cyclical and generational phenomenon (not a curse!). Thus, the cycle of abuse will be repeated, passed down from fathers to sons, mothers to daughters, and on to grandchildren and more, until it is broken by those who courageously and consciously refuse to continue in the abusive cycle.
I have also learned that many adult men (and women) who abuse others do it subconsciously. In other words, it is often something that they cannot help, and, more than likely, because they too were the victims of abuse. On the other hand, many men are abusive due to the passing down of malignant patriarchal thinking (although adult women can and will exercise malignant patriarchal thinking and behavior that they have learned from others in their lives – yet, statistically, men are most often the abusers in domestic partnerships). Unfortunately, everyone has felt the sting of malignant patriarchy, which is frequently accompanied by abusive actions (verbal, emotional, and physical); it affects us all in disastrous ways.
In this new book, I define patriarchy (similar to bell hooks) and I talk at length about its connection to co-dependence, which is also a learned and compulsive behavior. I also have a section on how I managed to end an abusive relationship. This section was the hardest for me to write, because like many, it was hard for me to admit that I had been the victim of emotional abuse. Maybe you can relate? Please know, that if you are being abused IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT. Your abuser is at fault. Those who survive abuse and who are willing to start talking about it, aloud, disempower their abuse. I now realize that if we do not give voice to it, naming it for what it is, we are going to be just as sick as those who attempt to silence and abuse us. If you want your relationship to get better, or if you want (or need) to end an intimate relationship, or if you want there to be a change in any kind of way, somebody will have to start speaking up; somebody will have to be willing to break through the silences, the falsehoods, and, yes, the denial. Why not let that somebody be you? Yes, it will be hard; it will be painful, but you will begin to heal if you talk about it, even if just to a trusted friend. Yes, it will take time (a lot of time!); it will require discipline and saying capital N-O to previous patterns that enabled the abuse and your abuser; you will have to work on yourself so that you can break out of the patterns that held you in the cycle of abuse. You may have to call upon the help of a therapist or engage in some kind of specialized treatment, but this is healthy (your abuser is not healthy if he is not seeking or willing to seek the help that he desperately needs to stop abusing you and himself). Furthermore, staying in an abusive relationship is definitely not healthy: the stress (alone) can kill you. If you are in an abusive relationship, save yourself, but, please know that liberating yourself from your abuser will not be easy, and it probably will not happen overnight. Educate yourself on abuse and how to safely and strategically walk away from it. It does not mean you have to end communication or the relationship with your partner, but it is important that you create the boundaries and the distance you need to be safe, healthy, and happy. I can tell you from experience that if you are courageous, and if you value yourself by taking good care of yourself, you will succeed. Be patient with the process. You can do it, and you are worth the work!
Again, I have written this new book because I think it is extremely important that black women who have learned important lessons from their relationship experiences would be able to pass that wisdom on and, hopefully, to the next generation. Thankfully, I believe that I have learned so much from my experiences, and I continue to learn each and every day. I want to help others like me, and my writing helps me to do that. As mentioned, I cannot remember one significant relationship where my male adult partner did not struggle with some form of behavior that was ultimately compulsive and uncontrollable. And, in each case, my partner was unwilling or unable to understand his addictions and self-defeating behaviors for what they were, and upon realizing that, I felt forced to pump the brakes and end the relationship. I too have my own addictions and compulsions, such as codependency, or the compulsion to save and rescue others, including those who are destroying themselves and others with abusive and self-sabotaging behaviors. The greed and materialism we see every day encourages and engenders our addictions, distortions and falsehoods. However, with the help of friends and many learned people, I have been able to admit and face those behaviors to the point that I am very aware of them, and to the extent that I have gained some control over my compulsive/addictive behaviors. Our addictions and compulsions do not have to control us. When we are ready and willing to acknowledge and address our addictions, it is possible to overcome them. It is possible to recover.
Because most of the men that I have known intimately have flat-out refused to admit that at times they were powerless over their addictions and compulsions (perhaps because they desperately wanted to believe that they were in control or perfect) they have hurt themselves and others. It is heartbreaking to watch someone you love reject and destroy the good in their lives with out-of-contol behaviors, and often because they are afraid of reaching out for professional help, and because they believe that they would consequently be judged as “weak” or vulnerable (character traits or behaviors they often -negatively- associate with women or femininity). Addiction is a huge worldwide problem, and many of us face it on a day-to-day basis in our families, with our friends, and with our loved ones. It is not something that is OUT THERE, rather it is IN US. There is absolutely no reason to be ashamed of or embarrassed about facing addiction, unless you want to stay stuck or sick. Being vulnerable (or “daring -greatly- to risk”, e.g., Dr. Brene Brown) is exactly the thing that can enable us all to break the powerful hold of addiction; it is an indispensable part of our humanity. And, I believe that we need this vulnerability, individually and collectively, to survive as a species. Traditional patriarchal thinking teaches many boys (and even some girls) to disregard and ultimately negate this important part of themselves, yet being vulnerable is what enables us to be compassionate with ourselves and to show empathy for others. And, when an adult refuses to be vulnerable or show vulnerability, – in the form of compassion, empathy, or loving-kindness – to himself or to others when necessary or appropriate, it is probably tied to a much deeper issue or problem in his life. If you need help to better cope with your emotions and your behaviors, who cares what other people think of you? We cannot control what other people think about us, but we can control what we think about ourselves. Taking care of yourself, the most vulnerable part of yourself, will give you even more self-confidence, and – in the long run – you will feel better about doing something healthy and good for yourself (and this goes for adult men as well as women). Getting help to sort out your emotions and behaviors is one of the most courageous things you could ever do for yourself.
My book includes a section on my encounters with abuse and addiction because I have personally known many men who have used alcohol, drugs, work, the internet and technological devices, pornography, eating, exercise, shopping, sports, gambling, and sex as means for running away from emotional pain and suffering, which is something that we all encounter in life, and at varying degrees. To be sure, I recognize that not all emotional pain or suffering is equal. Emotionally, some have suffered more than we could ever know or imagine. According to Dr. Gabor Maté, who is someone I respect and consider to be a great teacher and an expert on addiction, addictive behaviors are the “adaptations” that people use to soothe their pain. He teaches that we need to recover (and therefore accept) our authentic selves, and recovery of the self is all we need to be healthy and whole. This, I believe, yet I know that it is very difficult to recover our authentic selves in a world that is very inauthentic and compromised by social and economic problems that affect us all at deep and personal levels. I believe those who want to get well will try nevertheless.
Until my book is published, I will take your pre-order at a discount. If you are interested in ordering it before it is published, please let me know in the comments, or you can use the donate button here on my blog page and you will receive a receipt for the book. Please fill in your contact and mailing information so that I can mail you the book when it becomes available for printing. The discount price is $10.00. When it is published, it will be twice that amount, or a little more. This book will be much longer than my first solo publication that came out in November of 2019. I estimate it to be about 200 pages, and it will be one of my most important publications to date. I hope that you will take the time to consider it, or, if you want to invite me to your city or group to talk about this subject, I would be more than happy to have that conversation. Please send me a message in the comments, or on any of my social media platforms.
Finally, I will say that loving someone who has addictive behaviors can be very difficult and nerve-wrecking. But, loving someone who is in denial about their addictive behaviors makes being with them damn near impossible. I know this from experience. It is important to care deeply about our loved ones who are suffering, but when they are not willing to acknowledge problems that may require professional intervention and get help, we do not have to suffer with them, and definitely not for them. And when a person is being abusive, it is best to walk away. Their denial, and their unwillingness to give voice to their addictions and abusive behaviors may, in fact, run you away. On the one hand, you might say that that is probably a good thing. On the other, therein is a great loss. It hurts to realize that someone you love is not able to be honest about themselves and their behaviors and how they are affecting you. Coming face-to-face with an addict is not for the faint of heart. Such an encounter is usually filled with anger, because they often have a tighta** grip on the delusions and the distortions that they are using to justify their addictive and destructive behaviors. When my former partners began to lie to me, it made me very sad (self-help teacher, Melody Beattie, says “Addictions make us lie.”). If you love a person who is lying to themselves and to you about their addictions, then you probably will be very saddened (which is normal), and, perhaps their lies will force you to abandon the relationship (because their dishonesty will destroy the integrity of your partnership), and this will often be met with anger. It is totally okay if the addicts and alcoholics in my life get angry with me for speaking the truth and doing what I have to do to take care of myself; I understand their anger, which is usually rooted in childhood traumas caused by abandonment, abuse, and emotional neglect. Sometimes leaving is the only remaining choice, but sometimes it is not. I trust that you will know what you need to do to be healthy and safe. I had to learn how to trust myself, better yet, how to listen to myself, and in the words of the great jazz vocalist, Abbey Lincoln, “learning how to listen” to myself, to the wisdom of others, and to life itself has been one of my greatest lessons yet.
© 2020 annalise fonza, Ph.D.
N/B: this blog was last updated on 10/9/2020.
Disclaimer: Please note that nothing that is written in any blog here or any previous or forthcoming published work is meant to be taken or used as medical, psychiatric, or professional advice. These blogs and writings are the opinions of annalise fonza who does not possess a doctorate in medicine. If you are in need of professional help, please seek a counselor or the appropriate professional – psychiatric or medical – for assistance.